I will be changed

I will be changed by you

By all of these harsh experiences

I endured

That live here deep inside

Hidden

Under the cover

Of silence and sorrow

If I share my feelings of rage

Who is going to understand

I speak the reality of an emotional pain

That is true for me

You held all of the power

When I was young

And even when I had already been bought undone

By so so much trauma

When I needed you to see and hear me

When I needed your support you dismissed my need

As I was told to toe line and

To be and do what you thought was right

And by God it makes me angry now

But then I realize after all of the rage is spent

Really you were just

Blind

And oh so ignorant

So is it fair that I continue

To suffer inside myself

For what you did?

If I speak it out

Perhaps I will be judged

So then I think

Better to hold it all inside

Under the continuing cover of silence

For the truth is you changed me

In many ways

Cutting off potentials and realities

Forcing me to adapt

Into a twisted shape

While struggling hard to remain

Myself

Unscarred by toxic shame

True to my heart

So now I will not look outside of myself

And I will begin to trust my feelings more

As I try to find a way not to let

All of this wounding

Destroy the new good things

I am building into my present life

And yet

Still

That hurt and sorrow

Will be there

So on the difficult days when I cry

Shedding all of these quiet tears

In silence

I will give the pain up to God

To have and hold

And help me find a way to

Live and trust and open

And keep my wounded heart

Loving