I struggled a lot earlier today, its the war inside my head most of all and the fact that mechancial noise really triggers me and this morning I woke in a rush flood of anxiety and not long after that earth movers started digging up the terrain next door. The demolition of the old house and construction of the new is completed. I managed to live through that but now they are starting work on the garden.. I cannot explain how and where that kind of invasive noise takes me with PTSD and I found myself actually screaming which may sound crazy and bi polar but it did get me out of freeze and lock down.. I got myself flooded and then took myself out and away literally crying in pain. Drove to the park but people where everywhere there today, too exercising.
Some time out helps, anyways.. I managed to get home clean out the fridge and make some lunch, more massive anxiety after eating but I am managing to tolerate the earth movers now, the noise has faded into the background, not entirely sure why it triggers me so but it does.
I then read a response to a comment, a fellow blogger who has known a lot of pain and suffering through family had made over night, in it d he said something about realising that life is both a mix of bliss and suffering and that it was the best way for him to find calm. Earlier on I was not praying for the serenity to accept the noise even though it was on the list of things I had no control over today that do not exactly enhance my life. I was just in flood of being so angry at the masculine invasion.
I am just trying to calm myself more this week, I do get myself whipped up and triggered very easily. its also down to more pressure being put on me by someone.. I just want to tell the person to back off..
Well it is one of those grey days today, not a hint of sun, I noticed I really spiraled down this morning so I have taken myself in hand and decided to get into reading a novel I started a few months back and did not finish.. I am going through that internal beat up a lot lately that old voice telling me I am a waste of space and have made nothing of my life, its a while since I heard voices telling me I would be better off dead but they were back earlier today.. I know is not the reality, its just the place my head goes on a really bad day..
Today started like that, but luckily it is turning around a bit this afternoon. I did feel the depression creeping back in today.. All I can do is notice it and try to give myself some love when it hits.. What will it do for good to reject the suffering I feel sometimes, is it not just a reminder that today I may be better to go easier on myself, beat myself up a little less? I booked an extra therapy session this week I just felt I needed the support.. All I can do is try my best to practice self love and forgiveness when the tough days hit, battling against how I genuinely feel will do me no good and opening up to accept it may mean the feelings, being held and recognize have a place or opportunity to change, lessen, move through or transform in some way.
Emerging From The Dark Night 