Posted on

it’s hard to eat

its hard to eat at the moment

its painful to be feeling so many consequences of my past isolation

there is a lot I cannot change

there is a lot to be grateful for as well

I am not forgetting the good things at the same time as i feel so much deep sadness and pain today

I have to give it a voice..

I really feel I need some 12 step meetings lately but somehow I never managed to be able to make Zoom work for me.. I am getting marginally better with dealing with practicalities of life I hid from before, but at times I also see how much of a cost hiding away on my own caused me and others..

I have not gone about many things in the best way in my life even if at the time I did my best and lately I even question if so much emphasis on therapy also kept me isolated at times.. today that is the way that it feels..

Anyway as usual I will say it to the screen since I cannot say it to a person today.. the plumber is not someone you can talk to about these kind of things, but I am so grateful for the help he gave me today.

Unknown's avatar

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

Categories Uncategorized16 Comments

16 thoughts on “it’s hard to eat”

      1. I’ve been going through some needed change and realizations, but it’s been emotionally difficult. I moved and I’m seeing my past more clearly. Feels like I’ll come out better on the other side, though I feel pretty alone and sort of defeated often now. Feels like I’m, finally, stepping more confidently into my own reality.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I understand that frothing aloneness and do you feel.it often comes from seeing things it sometimes seems others cannot or will not? Just a question. Realisation often brings pain and sometimes shame buf if we keep being self loving its so helpful then it’s easier to move through and integrate the lessons.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. That’s a really interesting question. I do think that’s a large part of it. My parents recently went in to speak to my counselor, I was hopeful that would bring forward something positive in our relationship. Instead it sort of brought difficult truths home to me. I’m the only one trying, like always. The loneliness I’ve felt my whole life sort of came crashing down like a ton of bricks. While I also realized there would be no way out of it (with them).

        So yes, you are pretty spot on. They and I are just in 2 different realities. And I truly can not wrap my head around how miserable and invisible they make me feel and their certainty they love me unconditionally. I can feel such an immense pressure over me trying to snuff me out and also such a powerful scream against it. It feels like 2 huge forces are meeting within me and I’m just trying to ride it out. Does any of this sound familiar to your journey?

        Liked by 1 person

      4. No because I see a therapist who can validate me. Your parents aren’t going to own what they do..it is obviously not in their reality as to narcissists they DO NOT SEE YOU AT ALL. It’s pretty obvious to me they are erasing you on an emotional level. I’m really owning my anger at what was done to me right now along with realising at deeper and deeper levels that I took on the blame. But its not been easy to do that.
        Im here for you anytime you want support or to vent. You obviously had to go through even more deep pain or a very tough wake up call to get they are not on your wavelength at all. I just feel you are so deep feeling and intelligent they cannot really see you realistically at all.
        I hope this is too hard hitting and makes sense.
        🤗❤

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Thank you so much for this insightful, compassionate, and honest response. It really struck me! ❤️ It does make sense to me. I believe I took that similar path, bottling up the anger and blaming myself. I actually had a really eye opening dialogue with my inner critic this week, where in the middle of a tirade against me, it’s voice actually shifted to a kinder stance when I asked “why do I keep coming back to you (the inner critic)? My Inner Critic basically ended up saying, because I take care of you. It claimed, “you find it easier to feel broken and the problem then to accept no one loves you”. When I asked if it (the inner critic) loved me. It said “yes, of course. You’re beautiful.” At this point I just started weeping. It was a really weird experience. Haven’t fully processed it yet. Thought you might find that inner exchange interesting though.

        Liked by 1 person

      7. I actually just posted one about it. For some reason I find it very hard to open up about these sides of me. I think I feel a lot of shame for my Inner Critic side and also for my Emotional side. But I’m trying to unravel that shame now. It’s time ❤️ . Thank you so much for all your help and encouragement, your kindness and own authenticity on your blog give me so much courage. Sending you love!

        Liked by 1 person

      8. I am going to go read that in a moment.. honestly to open up about this helps others as so many carry similar shame.. To have valid feelings and experiences bound in shame keep you such a prisoner.. Keep on opening the door to us on your rich inner life. hugs and love in return. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a comment