My own boundaries..my own life.

Owning our own power and boundaries as well as getting clearer about what we really need must be the most essential parts of recovering from abandonment or neglect. Knowing what we do and do not have some level of power and control over is such important work too, especially if we were inculcated into a helper,savior or mascot role in damaged families.

I listened to a Seth Meyer’s stand up show a while back where he joked about the third (or lost) child..(in family systems therapy) being the monkey butler, raising themselves and orienting around everyone else’s needs..it resonated but also made me feel sadness for both my second sister and I who at one time fell into or got stuck in that role (for me that came later in life after my marriage ended as I struggled to be there for two sisters and a mother all with various forms of mental or physical as well as emotional illness). To be wedded to a role often means we had to sacrifice our needs or could not become clear as a separate individual. That said the capacity to relate genuinely, openly and in a vulnerable way is important too as we heal especially if we had to stay defended to cope in emotionally avoidant or shut down families. Knowing who with and when we can do this with safely takes work too especially when our emotions as well as other’s reaction to them, for a long time, remain a mystery or source of pain.

I am trying to learn to bear my own feelings of loneliness as best I can going through these current emotional separations with Scott and family. To be honest I’m proud of the way I am handling it. I did a lot of cleaning and sorting today which felt loving to Jasper and I. I enjoyed listening to my favourite radio shows on psychology fears of mortality and our Friday media analysis of current topics of interest such as speeches made at the latest Emmy awards. I love the arts and film for their portrayal of the human dilemmas we face, I always end up learning something new.

It is also lovely to be near the park hearing children playing right now as I sit writing on my phone. I’m wearing my new jeans and shoes I bought too which feels good. There may be not a lot of current deeply bodily connection relationships in my life right now but I do have people caring and getting in touch. I’ve given up over compensating on this front and it’s become clearer as retrograde Saturn slows over the next 3 weeks to turn direct in nearly exact square to my Mars Saturn Moon while opposing Neptune in Scorpio on 22nd October. Far better to bear some aloneness than be trying to fit where I don’t.

Life just seems so much more peaceful and manageable when I put the focus on what feeds my soul’s and lifts my spirit. No matter what is happening with Covid or our current lock down right now I can still choose to live and be so so grateful for what I do have. Maybe all of the tough times are only sent to help us build resilience, something Aussie singer Ben Lee shared when speaking to Benjamin Law and Beverley Wang this morning on radio. I’m with Ben on that one! It struck me as a strong grounded healthy mature and sane Saturnian/Plutonian) perspective