Inner conflict

Life feels so surreal and strange at the moment I just wondered if its down to the fact of Mars preceding the Sun’s move into Libra which will happen in two days. Mars has been in Libra for a little while and it is said to be in the sign of its fall in Libra as Libra is ruled by Mars polar opposite energy, the planet Venus. Venus puts our focus on co-operation, and relationships or on the need for beauty and kindness, we may wish to find the goodness instead of just fighting for what we feel we may want or need (Aries/Mars issues). Maybe this is part of the conflict I am feeling within at the moment..

It all got too hard trying to help Scott he kept repeatedly demanding money I did not have and I just could not take the agony that caused me any more so I completely blocked him, this is not easy for me to do.. I also pulled back from family but I just listened to the daily tarot reading by Gregory Scott which I enjoy and he said that at the moment if we can be of help or service, even if it feels a little inconvenient we should do it, the reading also concentrated focusing on seeing things as a blessing.

The truth is when it comes to my sister I do not know what to do.. I know how it feels when we both connect from a loving place and leave old hurts behind, but I also see after she came good in 2020 its like she was possessed by another energy. Around the early part of that year she started to look like my older sister who died, she changed her hair and was go getting and assertive but also giving, while clearing out Mum’s unit to move in she gave things to all of the family. Since the ECT and two rounds of it during the next hospitalisation (July to April) she remembered nothing and to be honest that just made me grieve so much each time we spoke. Sometimes I worry that calling her so much and talking over family issues did not help things at all.

If I look at this situation from another level maybe there was some relief for her in forgetting.. In the end it felt too painful to be the holder of all of her memories and there were things done then that really hurt me too. I did finally let her know this in a huge outburst about 6 weeks ago but now I feel so guilty as at the time she was struggling, she didn’t take it badly at the time but seemed to be able to get it completely, as if on one level she understood.

Today I woke up hearing voices about what I need to read and share, a voice that said it was a guide said it was good for me to share about my past terminations in order to help others, but after that voice came through another resistant part of me felt it would be pulling me back to a past I need to leave behind. The truth is that this time of year is associated to the second termination I had in 1984 just prior to my father’s diagnosis with terminal cancer. When Mum found out about the two I had to that first boyfriend after my father died by reading my journals without permission she confronted me only a few short weeks before encouraging me to go overseas even after my parther Jim called at 4 am a few days following the funeral on 12th of January to say not to meet him. That was an exceptionally tough time but in the two years away I did have a lot of interesting experiences overseas even if I was still struggling so so deeply on an emotional and boundary level with such a huge amount of unprocessed trauma.. In some way I feel that its par for the course with the level of trauma I did experience that I have needed to disconnect in order to do that inner work that is so unrecognised in our superficially outwardly oriented society.. especially in Australia. Many people probably were judging me and not knowing why I needed to do that and when it comes down to it its nothing to do with them at all.

These painful traumas are all in the past but my guides tell me the imprints are still around me and the lead up to the anniversary of Dad is in some way connected to my sister going down at this time of year apart from the year she came out in 2020 and went hell for leather doing things she now has no conscious memory of.

I long for my own life outside of all of this past trauma. I deeply question now the wisdom of getting caught up in it, but if my inner guidance tells me to do that maybe I should in order to finally let it go.

Jasper was really really ill early on Tuesday morning. I woke up and it was like a battle ground in the house he had gone to the toilet in about 6 places and upchucked a huge amount of phlegmy substance.. I felt terrible about this as I think the combination of food I have him on Monday was too rich and I too indulged in a pastry and coffee in the afternoon I just did not need.. I usually try to eat so well but for some reason on Monday I deviated from that and then Jasper got sick too.. its not like him to be off his food for so many days.

I think I have just in no way got my life together at all today maybe the inner critic is about again!. I worry about the amount of things I am surrounded with in this old house, so many things, photos, cards, artwork and other things associated to a past that was not happy.. I long for something new.. I know its no use to run from old grief but when is the time to move on? And do we sometimes get too stuck in looking back? I will discuss all of this in therapy later.. Maybe some of my defenses and denial is coming down.. it can be hard to see the ways in which we get stuck and the counterproductive things we do that may not be serving new life and growth but that is where I feel I am at the moment..

I badly need newness and fresh air right now, to clear out some of this old energy,so a moment ago I lit my aromatherapy burner for the first time in many years and burned and sprinkled some lemon oil around which can be cleansing… I did connect with three people this week but everyone is alone and my neighbor who I am very fond of is struggling as her husband had a seizure a month or so back and is still in hospital and cannot visit him.. I really felt for her yesterday.. I think of my sister so often and wonder about reaching out to my nephew.. if I do not do it we may be completely severed for a time.. is that something I should just accept? Right now i do not know the answer so I will continue to pray.. and I will continue to seek out things I love to do..

Yesterday I finally got to see the movie My Salinger Year and I loved it, I asked a friend to go see it last year and she talked me into seeing a movie full of violence that was not my cup of tea at all.. this to me was a lesson.. I know what I enjoy and want to do and I know life is not always about getting our own way. It was nice to connect with her but sometimes these connections do fall short on a soul level. This is perhaps the real hidden conflict and quandry of my present life the schism I sometimes feel between the spiritual essence of my true self and the part of me that had to adapt to belong.. these perhaps all related to those 4 planets of mine in the seventh house along with Chiron in Pisces.. I am aware that as Mars goes deeper into Libra it will oppose transiting Chiron in Aries so many of us may see some conflicts playing out that hightight where we get severed from our spring source of being or be considering ways that we can come back into better alignment with that authentic part of ourselves.. at least that seems to be the issues for me lately..

I still need to find a way to be engaged and a be part of a world as well, my blog gives me that even if so often I draw back into my shell. or cocoon to be more connected in a world that so often just seems to be terribly off spiritual kilter if that makes any kind of sense.. I am very open to hearing your own perceptions of this too. So if you feel like it, leave me a comment in the space below..