Just got back from a lovely long walk, I was immersed in old diaries before and was being taken into an upsetting pathway, just before Jonathan and I decided t move back my sister called and told me if I was coming home not to expect us to be close as a family, it was just not going to happen. That was in July 2001, it got me worrying as I do and wondering if my coming home affected her mental health.. I am just sharing it now and also that I read to Kat in therapy this morning a letter my Mum wrote to me two months earlier in which she addressed by childhood and accident trauma in the best way she new how. In the letter she explained how difficult she found it trying to connect to me.. also how proud she was of my sobriety. That was very emotional to read.. she had mentioned in the letter she never understood me but that my father did.. he always told her I was okay but my mouth was my defense.. Mum just couldn’t really attune to me at all, sadly and Dad never gave that overt support, it was all behind the scenes.. maybe I was carrying something deep of his too who knows.
Anyway Mum is gone now and that sister is not well, maybe what she said reflects too and shows how she struggled moving north to have my brother follow but not to be close. The truth is that with big gaps in ages we just were not well connected as siblings and that cannot be changed but it was interesting to me that the conversation I had with my nephew on Saturday occurred as the transiting Moon at 13 Scorpio was smack bang on both my natal Neptune (which falls in the third house of communication and siblings) and Scorpio rules deep and complex emotions.. My sister’s natal Saturn in Scorpio falls smack bang on that too and she shared that with my Mum who also had the Sun and Mercury in Scorpio what could be more of a signature of repressed deep emotions?..
When I checked Ryan’s astrology he has Mercury in Pisces square to Neptune now being transited by Neptune which is opposing the Sun and his Mercury is very close to the same degree as my sister’s. Their Sun sign in Pisces are also very close but Mars opposes his while it squares my sister’s Sun in Sagittarius..
On our walk Jasper and passed the government accommodation my older sister was moved to following Dad’s death it has a dark feeling. A lot went down there, it was my sister and mother and my brother in law’s brother that moved her out into more high level care when Jonathan and I were overseas.. My sister was in a relationship with a Vietnam Vet who also had addiction problems and he ended up beating my sister up.. The last time that happened she was taken miles away to a bush hospital before Mum finally managed to get her a residential place with the charity Koomari, where she lived until her death in 2014 in our home towm. My living sister went through all of that too and there was even more trauma in her husband’s family which he as the youngest tried his hardest to side step. It was my living sister who tried to support my brother in law’s brother and sister in law too when both became sick with cancer.. Considering all of this my sister has been through just so much trauma that i am most certain her psychiatrist knows nothing about.
Despite these dark memories and sad family entanglements we had a lovely walk I needed to push it out today and the spring blossoms as well as tulips were everywhere in this older part of town where we are living.. I listened to some music I love while walking and then we got a hot drink and drove to the park and walked about in the long grass together.. Today there has been rain.. My sister is on my mind but I was helped by my beloved AA friend Jeff yesterday who told me he has learned where other people are concerned and in difficulties to be concerned rather than worried, I get the difference! There is something compulsive and damaging in worry it does not end in a good place, often in paralysis and endless ruminative upset. Concern allows us to step in and do something but not get too attached to the outcome which is always out of our hands.. I think the Al Anon term for this is loving detachment..Never the less I will still probably get those times of being awash in emotions about it all.
I juust wanted to give a quick afternoon update.. Today has ended with the Sun out after a day of rain. Simon said it was too wet to walk Jasper today and I am glad in a way as we had a great walk and I my favourite time of all is driving home after one of these walks and having him look at me with all of that deep interest and concern.. he was not smiling as much today but we got that lovely time of eye to eye gazing which is so good for oxytocin levels.. thank god today for
Jasper
My blog and friends here
Music
Recovery
Sunshine
Long green grass
A nice cup of coffee
My own sobriety and therapy which always manages to keep me from going under and getting too overwhelmed in the tough times..
Emerging From The Dark Night 