Things you do

There are things you do and actions you take in the midst of old trauma that are not conscious choices and end up having very negative impacts.. Last night in bed listening to my loving your inner child meditation it came up for me how in 2005 after Jonathan left I had a desire to be close with my Mum but at that time due to the fact I had aborted things in the UK I also longed to go back the thing is going back alone to Cambridge without Jonathan after we split was just not the same, it was tough lonely and difficult.. I stayed with a friend I used to work with for a while and then I found a lodging place, the only trouble was this family said I could basically use the kitchen and bedroom and computer and my bedroom but the other living areas were denied to me…

Mum was the one who encouraged me go again in April 2005 as she did after Dad died in 1985 so that pattern repeated then and it also repeated at the end of 2010 when I broke up with my last partner Phil all around the anniversary of Dad dying.. We had been travelling over in the West and I flew home because my father’s sister’s daughter and her husband were coming out to see Mum. Mum was not keen on this as after Dad died Christmas was never the same for her.. It was she who drove him to casualty on the Christmas Eve night his stomach ruptured following him returning home after his cancer surgery.. He would never come out again. My Dad was a very perceptive intuitive man and he said to Mum before this happened to him.. “Its not me I am worried about, it is you.. After all they will give me something to knock me out and I wont know a thing” in the end that did not just apply to the anaesthetic he was given for the surgery it was when he went back in and was wrestling to take his tubes out they gave him a sedative and he went into a kind of semi coma.. I do not remember much of that period as it all happened so suddenly and was so traumatic and I had had those two terminations of pregnancy in the two years previous, but he never came out of that coma to be conscious again and he died in the morning a few days later when his heart gave out while they were performing an emergency tracheotomy to help him breathe.

That time of year (November to January 8 when Dad died) was falways so full of so many triggers, so when Mum and I fought after Phil phoned to tell me he was leaving me (in 2011) it was a repeat of my boyfriend Jim also calling me in the early hours of January 1985 to tell me not to bother to come and meet him as he did not love and had found someone else. I was completely overwhelmed and since I was not in therapy I had no support in dealing with the feelings as basically my Mum would just try to shut any kind of feeling down until a little further along.

Last night I was flooded with sadness I could not draw close to Mum in 2005 I got on the plane to leave on that morning around 11 am and it was held up on the tarmac for ages that April day and I remember this longing I had for my Mum and not to be going so far away but even as I type this I cannot help but thing of my G G Grandfather Thomas who left the land of his birth 14 years after the death of his own mother when he was only 13. It really was a massive ancestral repeat of separation, grief that was unresolved as well as loss for both of us.. I then think of my great grandmother on the run from the rampant alcoholism that my Thomas eventually developed after he and Eliza came to New Zealand I was reading some of the notes about this provided by a grandson of one of my great great Aunts in therapy to Kat on Thursday and it spoke of how traumatic dinner times were when he came home drunk and of how during a particularly hard time in New Zealand one of the sons was forced to steal a sheep of which the carcass had to be buried by my G G Grandmother as such a ‘crime’ was considered to be a hanging offence.. In time after Eliza left Thomas due to his alcoholism they had to seek help from the local Maoris this is one of the few things my great grandmother shared with my mother when she was still a child.

Its important to get this all out today.. I fell into a deep sleep after the meditation last night and crying at depth with the sorrow and pain of how I ran from Mum and yet she could be cruel when Phil said he was leaving me and I tried to tell her i was grief stricken she said to me “what reason do you have to be sad? Grief???” I stormed out and drove all night to Sydney to get away from her and then had to sleep in the car before seeking refuge with my Godmother who threw me out after about 2 months, still stubbornly I refused to go home until things got so bad in June 2011 I had no other alternative.

I do not really care what people think of this reading about my tumultuous reactions and life, living with the complex and deeply rooted ancestral trauma of anxious as well as avoidant attachment is no picnic and the storms that go o well they are just so so so acute as I tried to share in my post about flashbacks and holding myself through one yesterday.. As it was yesterday my friend who was supposed to call me at 1 only ended up phoning at 4 pm intensely apologetic, she forgot about me and was sorry this was what ALWAYS USED TO HAPPEN WITH MY MUM SOMETIMES SHE JUST LEFT ME WAITING AT SCHOOL TO BE PICKED UP AND FORGOT TO SHOW.. But today I can be so proud of myself.. I did not have to block my friend yesterday she has not done this before so i did not tell her how it affected me though and I did bear some of the brunt of that last night with the grief that came up about Mum. I just hope by sharing about it in my blog some of you may develop compassion for those with anxious avoidant attachment and have some more awareness of how important secure relationships are for us, that said people are all different and as adults we need to find ways to cope with the triggers and traumas cascades..

I hope this blog is not all over the place today but its good to get some of this down and out of my body today.. I did get out for a walk at the park but I have been feeling so so sad and angry today at my living sister for blocking me.. she is a fucking selfish bitch at times so selfish sorry I just had to say it, maybe its all on her depressive illness so its not really her fault but to have called me two times in the past 4 months.. it just hurts at times it really really really really hurts.. why don’t I matter to her as a sister? Why cant she reach out but even as I say this I know its not accepting life on life’s terms after all she is wounded and damaged.. deeply damaged.. I was too but i do try and reach out ..

God Grant me the Serenity

To Accept the Things I Cannot Change (my sister, my past, my complex trauma history)

Sadly after posting this my nephew called to say my sister has been put back in hospital which makes me feel horrendously guilty for saying such a nasty thing about my sister.. it was a heated exchange as my nephew says I have maligned him and misrepresented him in my blog and been two faced in my dealings with him.. There was a lot of shouting during the call, I get extremely scared and distressed when my sister has to be put into hospital and then my nephew feels angry which is understandable having to deal with all of this as her son. I felt very distressed that he has been hurt by things I have written here.. I honestly use this forum to express myself and how things are from my point of view and that IS ONLY MY PERSPECTIVE.. i tried my best to listen to him, but at times he would not let me talk, that is okay at the end we came to a truce and agreed we will do our best to have harmony and be connected but God knows what a challenge this is when it comes to the long term affects of multi-generational trauma and addiction. I am not allowed to call my sister or visit her due to Covid.. I am very sore in my body today.. the truth is I cannot help my sister for what ails her deep deep down inside her soul. I feel so powerless and scared at times but maybe her mental health was always out of my hands. On this forum I honestly just share my perceptions. I honestly do not seek to do harm.. I honestly do try but life and human being are so so complex that is the only thing I can say with any authority that I know for sure.