I fight to wake and rise from the stormy oceans of dreaming.. This morning there were possums or rats in the roof that woke me, I am trying to surface from dreams, a powerful one concerns my sister, Jasper is lost and there is as large iron gatelike door that my sister has locked..it is hard to get a sense of what is going on and I am not able to reply to any early morning texts. Rain has fallen during the night leaving the deck wet and its a relief to go outside and walk on it in the rain in bear feet, it brings me alive and helps me to breathe more deeply, pure air..
I rang my sister for the first time in six days this morning. She asked me what I had been doing and then there were the usual long wordless spaces in which nothing is said, I struggle to connect and then get overcome with huge waves of grief and tidal feelings, I am trying my best to breathe, to fight the conflicting desire to me moving and alive away from the locked in paralysis but at the same time I do not want to judge where she is right now. I pray to my angels during the call they tell me to be the witness who stands between the hurt/wounded/traumatized self and my soul or spiritual self. At certain points in the long silences I move about the room, even read a brief chapter of my novel, at others I am experiencing all of the hurt I suffered at her hands but not as anger anymore only as the most profound sense of longing and deep deep sadness, I wonder if this is only my own and remember to check the placement of the transiting moon .. rightly it is in the 12th house at 5 degrees of Leo today exactly opposite my Mars Saturn Moon in Aquarius and coming up to square natal Neptune as it squares my sister’s Saturn in Scorpio.. during the long silences I think about the barricaded gate in my dream and realize its significance. I remember another dream I had when my sister was out of hospital and still struggling to come alive as herself where she was trapped behind glass.
Two urges occur, the longing to be with her at least in silence so she is not alone and the longing to be alive and away from the phone and that deadened loveless lifeless space, even as another part of me mocks that life, at around the 40 minute mark I tell her I need to go.. I then become the flood my body has become nothing but ocean ; amorphous, tidal. I go out into the living room where Jasper is resting so calmly and just let the grief come out .. he is always such a good container for that..Just to have my hand on his body that is warm and furry is such a comfort as I recall the cold empty emotionally barren world that was my family. The feeling of overwhelm that floods me is hard to name, never the less through my blog I try to find a container and voice for it.
Maybe when I connect with my sister in this way we are a unified field for a time.. I think of the dream I had so many years ago where we were both walking along the beach and we come across a beached whale and she looks at me with eyes of infinite sadness and says to me “the whales are such sad creatures” .. my association to this being the ancestral unconscious..
God knows life is complex, we are born into families as souls, possibly on a quest of learning.. I do not know all the the answers or truth as life is both profound and mysterious.. But still I sense that part of me that mistakenly sees herself as a savior when really she does not have that power and wonder at the magical thinking contained within it and what it may say to me of what I too, am running from facing..
Today this is where I am. The rain has been even heavier during and after the experience of my emotional flood. My head only hurts a little today, yesterday was so acute with the anniversary symptoms of my trauma but Jasper and I still managed a long walk by the canal and a lovely rest by a grove of silver birch trees close to the water canal.. These are the blessings that come when I am grateful to be no longer as paralysed as I used to be following all the painful years following my marital separation and second head injury.. some days I could not move out at all and some days it was hard to eat a bite.. I thought today too of how much interpersonal connection means to me and of how and what an isolated place I took myself into during 2003 to 2011 This week I connected with three very important people in my life. When I had a similar protracted breakdown like my sister .. I was undergoing powerful Neptune transits. My sister is under the influence of Neptune too, she has been for some time, it has been hitting her Moon Opposite Mercury in Pisces square to Jupiter.. I cant make any judgments about where she is at, who knows what deep soul work is going on for her right now..
I told her about the program on ECT but she told me she feels its not helped her at all.. When I read the post on it in therapy the other day to Kat my entire head was on fire, that was my soul telling me for me the pathway of soul retrieval cannot be done just by applying electricity to the brain, never the less we all walk our own path and its not up to us to judge what is right for another and their soul, my guidance told me to write a post addressing the difference between just getting people functioning and returning them to the base of who they really are beyond all of societies pressures and agendas.. That said we must always stay true to our gut and body and inner knowing on this one.. as the soul in our body will always find some kind of way to get its truth felt, known, embodied, registered or experienced.
Emerging From The Dark Night 