Safe and unsafe people

In a feeling wounded culture it is never going to be easy or feel fully safe to feel or true feelings with everyone. This is a very valuable point that John Lee makes in his book on anger, that if we feel unsafe the truth is that people often can be critical or dismissive of feelings (as well as out of touch with their own) and only too open to criticize us, often not really having a clue of what we went thorough

Alternatively, at times, we may be projecting the fear they will be due to a past history of emotional invalidation. The truth is in collective society feelings of anger and sadness are not widely recognized nor supported which is the reason so many feel they have to hide their depression. Due to our collective norms, people are expected to be functioning and happy and if they cannot be the assumption is that there is something wrong with them (us.)

Sadly criticism and shame seem to run our society too, in many ways, authorities, parents, teachers and peers claim the right to tell people what to do, how to behave, what to think, what to believe, what not to feel etcetera. If we never got to know how or what we really do think, feel or believe a healthy inwardly in touch life is going to be very difficult for us to live.. . And recovering or taking the risk to tune in and become more real and authentic means new behaviors will often challenge or yes, even threaten many of the people we know or associate with. Sadly even in therapy we may be led to intelllectualize our feelings too, rather than honestly feel them.

The past 21 years or more of my ongoing deep feeling education has shown me how so often me being emotionally real was a threat to others, and I am only lately deeply realizing that I was totally justified in feeling unsafe with many people I knew. Lee says that we have to be realistic that in society there are far more unsafe than safe people. I would phrase it differently, I feel in or society so many are fearful of their own true feelings and vulnerabilities, many people learn to put a mask on things and hide their true feelings or they remain a mystery to them. Perhaps this is why narcissism is so prevalent and has reached nearly epidemic proportions in our society.. It is also, I believe, why there is so much religious dogma and hard core fundamentalism out there. Also I do believe a high percentage of us have experienced some form of emotional neglect or abandonment especially as babies and youngsters due to parents who passed down wounding and failed to attune to us.. That neglect and abandonment ends up getting played out or projected so often especially in intimate relationship both between different and same sex partners and then upon our own children..

Lee makes the point that anger expressed with no intent to harm, only to be released has never hurt a single person in all of the therapy and workshops he has run to help others work through such feelings as individuals or in a group. Instead people feel relief after the anger is let out. But unsafe people will not cope with us feeling anger and hurt and expressing it. hey will not be safe harbors for us if they have not come to grips with their own and often they will shame or criticize us.

Lee also makes the point that no criticism of another person’s behavior really helps at all.. Sharing honestly our response based on our own feelings is okay but not to judge where another is coming from out of an experience they lived. Sharing that we care for someone and see their behavior is hurting them is another thing if that is based in fact and is about us taking responsibility for OUR OWN FEELINGS INSTEAD of shaming and blaming or passing them off. It’s a point Dr Ramani also makes in another of her talks in how do deal with behavior that we feel is destructive.

To be able to set a boundary around others shaming, blaming or criticising us is most essential for those of us never validated or fully embraced in our true self growing up. It actually takes a tremendous amount of inner work for many of us to do this because we so often learn to internalize criticism as well as a virulent inner protector/persecutor.. Inner self possession and emotional growth work enables us to know that all of our feelings have value and matter and have a lesson for us.. And undertaking that work means sidestepping or putting a stop to those who in not having our best interests at heart or being threatened due to their own barricades, defenses and lack of deep empathy have an investment in keeping us shut down and so blocking our necessary and valuable growth.