I posted this before and took it down as it seems to coming put of so much of my own past trauma..at times it’s hard to get a handle on what I am projecting frim my past. Anyway thinking about it later I decided to restore it.
I am beginning to understand in this (at times) increasingly remote and love and affection empathy starved world that so many of us are longing to read something raw, painful and real.. At heart many of us see we as humans are on a negative downward spiral that is demanding a real waking up of ourselves bodily, emotionally and spiritually but in a grounded earthy way.. And as I write these words a knowing and sense of insight of what the passage of Uranus (the Awakener) passing through the sign of Taurus ruled by both Venus and the Earth (the later on an esoteric level) is asking of us is coming to me..
I think in this regard most especially of my father and mother’s generation (born from the 1920s to 1930s) who had lost parents due to the First World War while then having to battle through the Depression years only to be hit with a Second World War and this is not even taking in the longer roots reaching back to that time when events of deprivation forced the immigration of so many of our ancestors from the old world to New Worlds such as Australia and America. This generation was birthed out of parents born from 1890s to the early 1900s and carried epigenetically so much that they passed down, perhaps of even earlier trauma..
I know for a fact that when the planet of wounding and healing Chiron passed through the sign of Taurus as Pluto entered and traversed Scorpio in the early 1980s that this was a time when my own family fractured due to so so much trauma that had its genesis in the past. This is something I need to do some more research on though until I can flesh it out fully in a blog that makes any kind of sense to those who may be a bit flummoxed by all of this astro speak.
There is a hunger in many of us I feel. I am sure it is not only in me.. We know too well the loss of deeper connections, of soulful relationships (even with ourselves and our own souls), lack of loving family, of the ability to love and be loved, attuned to well to and connected with our bodies and souls and find healthy ways of both feeding and comforting (both Taurus and Cancer issues) as well as living and intimately engaging. It seems in this modern age due to faster technologially driven rhythms so many of us suffer.. We do not often know how to self soothe, nor at times manage the sea of anxiety and fear that seems to surround us in the new Covid 19 Universe and we all too often then fall out of connection with nature.
We struggle to breathe, to engage, to trust, to keep our hearts open, to stay out of negative ego judgements (of both self and other) or to develop a healthy inner sense of self love.. but we must oh we must keep trying to dig deeper, to be real, to be raw, to be honest, to know our wounds and those of others and not reject due to them but allow them to make us mature so we do not separate and kill and judge quite as much and then turn against our brothers and sisters who struggle and suffer too.
As I write this I want to weep and also scream for the pain in a deep emotoinal feminine feeling body that I endured that my two sisters endured and my Mum endured, and yes, even my father before his early death.
In the end cancer ravaged my Dads stomach (triple planets of Sun Mercury and Saturn in Virgo which rules both the stomach and inner processing and digesting of ‘life’)
A few weeks ago when I went to take some soup around to my sister and had the outburst of anger after writing to my brother and her older son to protest about then not protecting her from this fucking psychiatrist and the abuse of being aneathetised to perform ECT over and over and over and FUCKING OVER AGAIN.. I looked again at a photo of him taken in those final years before he died that sits in a white frame on the perfect piece of white furniture Mum designed.. (my sister now lives in my Mum’s old unit which was left to her) and he does look ravaged.. His complexion is so sallow, there is a tiredness in his eyes and his neck is too small for the collar of his shirt and yet there is such a longing and plea projected from the soul in his eyes.. just so so much pain as well as so many deeply etched experiences that just went silent inside him.. (to be noted here that Dad was stationed in the Dutch occupied East Indies (Java, Indonesia) from 1939 until the early 1950s where in the later stages he was involved in flying out POWs held captive by the Japanese.) At one point he was held up at gun point in the aircraft hangar by a Japanese soldier who mercifully let him go.. Both my older sister Judith and brother Gary lived there too from the ages of 1 and 3 and absorbed a lot of that danger and terror.. Later they went with my Mum to Holland without Dad to be with his family and get treatment for my brother who had rickets.
I wept with a fair bit of pain writing this, my dear and lovely gentle Dad who had to flee Holland who carried so much.. who was just a little kid really somewhere deep inside and thought that in some way by amassing a fortune he could keep his family safe? Well it all breaks my heart deeply as it also reminds me of why EXACTLY IT WAS MY OLDER SISTER AND I ENDED UP CRASHING AND BURNING OR EXPLODING IN THOSE FIRST FEW YEARS OF PLUTO PASSING THROUGH THE EARLY DEGREES OF SCORPIO 1979 – 1984).
Things are raw for me right now, there was a holocausted abyss at the base of our family and as the youngest as they climbed the ladder to progressively larger houses life got more hollow, and distant and emotionally absent as business life dominated and healing family connections with Grandparents fell away.. So often. I was left all alone. In fact when I had that descent on Wednesday (the day ruled by siblings and Mercury) I was crying out “please don’t leave me alone, Mum” but I was holding my rose quartz stone as my Mum’s experience of that abandonment flooded me.. My Nana would leave Mum alone every morning and each evening from about the age of 8 to go to work cleaning nearby government offices.. All she had to keep her warm at night was a stone she had to put into the fire.. All of this came up sometime in 2013 when my Mum attended one of my therapy sessions with an earlier therapist I began to see here, Anna before I found my current therapist, Kat..
Repeating that pattern by the time I was 2 Mum worked 5 and a half days a week.. Dad was either working or alone most of Saturday and then it was hard for him to know how to support me at all after my own near death crash and anyway my sister soon was lying in a coma in the same hospital only two months after I was released from there in late 1979. Night after night he and Mum would go to be with her.. Dad turning a deaf ear to the doctors telling him my sister could not hear him (this was 1980 and more is known now about how aneurysms affect the brain). Never the less Dad kept holding her hand, willing her to live, telling her she would come through. She did but only to go through yet more separations, splintering and abandonment things that would inwardly kill my Dad who three years later became terminally ill with cancer.
I know its not life giving to live so captured by my own trauma and family past and yet why the prohibition about it? When it honestly takes so so so so long to navigate its true and historically long impact?
Maybe if I had not pushed away so many people due to my own wounds, I would have been able to deeply love and keep love, and yet I loved I cared for both sister and my Mum, I could not see Dad on the final night before he died in early 1985 due to having had a shot that I needed because at that stage I was to be meeting my then boyfriend in India in early January.. That arrangement got cancelled after Dad died as he rang me a short while later at 4 am to say “don’t bother coming, I don’t love you any more.. I have met someone else” cold, short, sharp shot of abandonment and it felt devastating then to be pushed to go to England all alone by Mum but maybe she just wanted me to live??/
By chance, as I have shared Jim and I did eventually reconnect Athens (most likely meant to be) only for him to dump me again. Did I honestly have that little self love, sense of self value, self respect?. that then I must continue to remind myself is where narcissitic wounding leaves so many of us.
I know this is a long winded ramble, please forgive i am on a therapy break and I need to give it a container.. it actually is 21 August 2021 as I write, not 1979 or 1985 to 90 but sometimes the past is so powerful in it hold, especially on Saturdays, the day I crashed and nearly died in 1979. No, I am not there now but i am still vulnerable and raw, at times I seem to hide it well as i appear tough and intellectualize, rationalize or philosophize and yet the truth raw and deep and painful and real lies further down, still seeking it voice.. boring as it may be for others to read.. In truth I struggle to reach it and I recognize it when I read it in the poems of others coming out of the difficult and painful soil of their own parental and siblings trauma.. in these people I recognize my kin and the truth hidden beneath skin.. I thank them, I honor them, my own poems, at times seem to pale in comparison.. and yet here I go again, devaluing myself..
Only thing I wish for today as the Moon continues to track its way through the middle degrees of my birth sign Aquarius, as it squares the natal Neptune in Scorpio of my generation (1960 to 1970), at the same time squaring the natal Uranus of those born in the next (1970 to 1980) and the natal Pluto in Scorpio of the next born (1980 to 1990) is that we all continue to reach deep. The Moon still has about 18 degrees to go before it will oppose the Sun in Leo smack bang on my natal Uranus at 29 Leo an anaretic degree (more about that to come up in a post I am working on.) At the moment it is at 10 degrees of Aquarius two degrees off the exact square to transiting Uranus at 8 degrees of Taurus. Uranus as we know is the awakener the bringer of of light and often the exposer of the shadows we hide inside.. His revelations, may at times, be stark and not at all comfortable for either ourselves or others.
On another note Covid 19 and Saturn in Aquarius the sign of global interconnections seems to be asking something deep of us at present, something I am not fully able (yet) to articulate here..maybe through ongoing distance and separation what we being asked now is to wake up to what has the most value (Taurus ; Venus ruled : Uranus the Awakener placed here)… the earth needs us, other humans need us. Love needs us, compassion needs us, wisdom needs us. My prayer right now let us try to reach ever deeper to question more.. Let us connect to the earth in ourselves and in nature to find that answer even as the wild churning restless seas of death/life/rebirth anxiety foam all around us.
Let us remove from our eyes the filters that blind us from any form of deep abiding empathy and compassion that will stop the severing nature of the grim ripper from keeping us bound up within its crippling separatist egoic hold so we can truly love and feel safe as humans in being as humble, raw, open, vulnerable and real as we can possibly be.
Change, uncertainty, unpredictability is the norm, while this moon reminds us of nature. Not the nature in the forest, but the one nature we have forgotten or distorted. It is the human nature, to work with each other, to sit in community, to listen to our stories for wisdom and teachings, to love without being attached and most importantly all is welcome. There is no hierarchy or medals of what each of us have achieved or experienced. It is a coming together wherever we are in our life journey. A big understanding is within these collective gatherings which is separation is a killjoy judgement for our future. It doesn’t mean we go to bed with everyone. It does mean we listen or hold space for other’s opinion while holding a different one to them which is equally valid. It means we can sit and listen to others point of view, and not follow them, or be influenced by them but can also safely express ourselves.
Sandeep Virdi.
Emerging From The Dark Night 