Nice girls don’t! Right??? We do not yell : it may be seen as unladlylike, that we we are losing control in some way or being a bit of bitch, but after so so long of burying those agonizing and truthful screams in time we have had enough.. But the fear of that of the anger that may wield the knife that cuts and then leave us all alone in exile, well it takes a kind of particular gut strength and soul courage for that, as well as a deep knowing and standpoint in our core to let the anger out, to let ourselves know from deep inside that something is just not right and we need to draw the line and then to not allow others to try to talk us out of it. Out of honoring our inner knowing which, at times, can be hard to find.
I wondered why I collapsed so much earlier in the week.. This sort of thing would happen in my last relationship when he wanted me to do something I did not want too do, I would then be accused of selfishness. I went through a dilemma after this trying to come to terms with some of the parting accusations thrown at me and lodged in me, some of them were like hooked pieces of steel and very hard to extricate without a lot of tears and pain.. or like a splinter maybe they just had to work their way to the surface over time and be expunged.
This week I gave over to pressure from someone.. The truth is two people were accusing the other of the same thing and then saying they did not want to hear about the other person, and one said to me “shame on you” as if I had not had to suffer enough doing the tough work of coming to see and understand why over two and a half years I let the other one gain control of all of my money.. Now I look back and feel gutted at myself mainly.. no victims here I was so wanting to be connected I was ready to do anything but in the end anything had to stop.. So I have set the boundary and not budged but then if something better came alone and I was guilted into letting it go maybe that is why I collapsed and had that three day re-visitation by the Black Dog. But it made me a bit pissed off for someone to try to shame me about something I already had to face I had not done right, but done due to real wounds as a necessity to learn a hard lesson!
Luckily these days I am far more connected than I was to others.. I am more aware on some level, Sadly I still continue to beat myself up over mistakes and make myself wrong when really I was struggling to get out of a developmental arrest that reaches back to about 17 or 18 when my education got blocked.. But as I look back in my early 30s there were other opportunities to reach out for something good and my addictions or lack of development held me back, that said with the level of attachment wounding I had that had to heal a bit first.. I am still having to work on that because, to be brutally honest male female relationships of the healthy non co-dependent variety are new to me and I do not have a history of others lovingly connecting to me in terms of honoring me and my boundaries.
I made a choice and I am now seeing was possibly not the one leading to more growth and maturity for me.. I have only seen that today but at least I have seen it.. like it says in that story of someone walking down the same street and falling into a hole time after time, in time the person walks past the hole and manages to avoid it and then , in time, recognises the street and decides not to go near that street any more.. Maybe that is how it is for me right now with getting a certain clarity around relationships.
My youngest nephew of my older sister who died called today.. It took him three or so weeks to get back to me but to be honest. I understand and just felt so grateful for the call. He’s a busy Dad and runs a successful architecture practice and has a lot on his plate, but it was good to have a catch up as all four of the boys have trauma from my sister and her husband that has played out in different ways and a couple of them seem to struggle more than others.. In a way what Greg is going through with his older brother – the third of four is a little similar to the dynamic between my older sis who is still alive and me.. he worries has tried to support, felt a bit over stretched then had to do a fair bit lately to detach.. It still brings up a lot of emotion to talk to someone so close to my older sister who died.. Today when a raven sat in the tree outside I thought of her, at times that kind of visitation seems to be connection to her spirit as in meditation I saw her soul leaving her body through the crown chakra as a black raven in a shamanic meditation I did just after she died.. She suffered so much entrapment in her physical having been shut down with meds, locked in that for her death was, I feel, a profound spiritual release from this earthly prison of so many blockages and so much spiritual arrest.
The family spirits are around me still. Thomas, my GG Grandad came through with a lot of his anxiety and pain on the Wednesday I had that meltdown.. he had so much pent up anguish, anxiety and grief and it all got downloaded into Mum.. Today I also relived in my energy body that terrible week I arrived at the psyche facility to see my sister in a hyperanxious state and then found out late in the week she was getting the ECT again. Mercifully that has been stopped now by Covid lock down and to be honest Thursday was a lot better than it was other weeks as she was getting it at 6.30 am and the knowing of that was making me anxious.. Still, as I said to my nephew today, I need to find a way not to get too caught up in her struggles, to be there but not take on too much, to encourage and support as I can.. And yesterday she actually managed to call me to see how I was after not being so good on Tuesday and Wednesday.. That said as long as she is alive I will want to be there as much as I can within healthy boundaries.
I got out my rebel yell two Fridays ago with my sis.. Since that time she seems to be getting out and moving a bit more than in the past but she confessed yesterday to having no sense of purpose much.. and that is tough.. she finds it hard to connect here, as people in this town can be remote and very caught up.
I still feel that a lot of her own healthy assertive power has been buried and that is the reason behind so much of her own depression struggles.. Anyway I will be interested to see how things go after the Full Moon hits my first house Uranus in a few days time. I seemed to collapse under pressure this week but maybe it was just a temporary down turn.. Therapy is back next week but with lockdown it may only be happening over the phone. But the truth is I still do need it, and I did struggle this week but I got through… for that I am very very grateful. Uranus is backtracking to square my Mars Saturn Moon right now it hit 8 degrees of Taurus retrograde so the pressure will be on me to gain insights since my Moon is at 6 Aquarius and that is the degree Saturn stations on before finally going direct around the 22nd of October.. I am still coming to terms with so many emotions I buried that are a mystery to me and often only somatically experience, the past few months in therapy showed me how much physical and psychological damage my forming self suffered due to parental benign neglect.. I am still not out of the woods and taking good care of and grounding my body in nature, as well as in the present moment by getting out and moving has been especially important right now..
Over past days I went down to the lake and lay on the grass to absorb its healing and connect with the earthly electromagnetic frequencies.. Lying on the earth, absorbing the power, warmth and energy of the Sun with birds and the sound of water lapping gently close by seems to be just what the doctor ordered and a very very very good practice with transiting Uranus in the sign of the earth.. Taurus.. Nature is such a powerful holder, witness, healer and fractured soul restorer. Without this connection right now during a new time of Covid lock down I would be so much worse off. Without that natural connection we are all well and truly Fucked!
Emerging From The Dark Night 