Sorrow often has some painful truths to tell us, so it is probably little wonder that our society runs from it and that sometimes we get so rejected when in sorrow or find it difficult to make friend with that vulnerable place within… Also our sorrow over certain things in life may come out side ways in grief or dominance or control. It may masquerade in countless ways and don different disguises.. For myself seeing how I ran and sometimes continue to run and how fear can, at times, motivate me not in the most fruitful of ways has deeply instructive if painful while Mars passed over my natal Pluto in Virgo in the first house over the past month or so.
Reading the biography of Prince Harry written by Angela Levin is also quite triggering for me right now.. She speaks of how following their separation in 1992 both parents used to download their own pain and hurt onto both of the princes, Diana in particular looking to the boys as confidents. A lot went down before this, of course, that influenced the two boys and both Diana and Charles carried their own complex histories of emotional abandonment or neglect or were kept prisoners in some ways inside dysfunctional or wounding systems of society and parenting.
Today, the paragraph that most resonated was one on how when our own needs do not get met as children we then may get put into a role of savior, believing there may be something we can do to help the hurting adults, and becoming imbued with a false belief in our own power.. This resonated with how it has been for me in my family with regards to my Mum while she was alive and both sisters but most especially the living one who I seem have been in constant anxiety over for years now.
I still am calling her nearly every second day but sometimes I am hurting in my body during the call due to the complex weave of emotions I experience with her. Its never been a comfortably easy, openly loving sibling relationship to be honest.. she could not attune to me like my older sister who died in 2014 could. Never the less I love her and do all I can to stay close while on some level knowing no relationship is perfect and at times she really is present for me and she listens and even does tell me new things I did not know about her before, when I talk to her honestly about my own confusing past and some regrets. At times the penny drops for her.. She does not find it possible to connect to anyone much at all due to her Saturn in Scorpio.. Its why I try to be there but lately I feel I also need to pull back it really is not easy but then who said life was meant to be?
I am feeling the therapy break today.. We are in lock down anyway and Kat is only away for a week but i allowed the feelings of missing her to be there, and to recognize the sense of warmth, loving, openhearted wisdom and joy she brings to my life as well as her affirmation of me.. I can cope alone but its emptier without her especially in the absence of other present friendships in my life.
Scott also convinced me to block contact with Daniel over the weekend.. He accused me of cheating by having contact with someone new.. I was so frustrated by what Scott put me through and I explained this.. I think he has been very selfish at times, I felt a real genuine connection with Daniel but when I told him about Scott he tried to convince me he is not genuine.. in the end both men were saying the same things about each other, it was enough for me to want to break contact with the two of them. Sadly due to my early attachment trauma intimate relationships are not easy for me.. I need to remember none of this is totally fault.. I am doing all I can to be honest, introspective and to recover and seeing the hurt I put Jonathan through has not been easy over past days.. That said he also let me down deeply at times.. I miss Daniel now and realize he was far more available to me than Scott but Scott played on me being ‘bad’ and somehow that convinced me I was doing the wrong thing. I find relationships so confusing..
Today I am grateful for what I do have in my life as well as the capacity to feel sorrow over the past.. Much as I love Eckhart Tolle’s talks I think at times he cuts out some of the deeper emotions.. Yes, ideally we should try to live in the present but we also carry an emotional history and baggage.. That said, the way we interpret our stories may turn us into either victims, or heroes, may intensify or minimize not only our suffering but sense of shame or guilt which may not be valid at all but only grows larger due to our own past burden of emotional neglect or alexithymia *. But is there another way? To see that all along the path we trod to get to here we were in fact a fractured piece of poetry in motion with so many separate selves and other facts vying for prominence ,insight, emergence or understanding.. as were other humans with whom our own lives briefly or for a long periods interconnected to or wove together with to make new experiences and stories..
*
Alexithymia is the inability to recognize,name or describe one’s own emotions and make a meaningful relationship with them. .
Emerging From The Dark Night 