If I could (human need)

If I could sit down with you again

Hold your hand

Look into your eyes

And let myself be surprised

By what I found there

There are so many questions

I would ask of you

And even now you are gone

So often the answers did come

In silent meditation

Or when I was in the garden

That was when oh so often I would feel

Not only

Your spirit draw near

But complex inner pullings

Energies and tidal feelings

So hard to name

That spoke so deeply of

My frustrated need for

Your loving guidance

Sometimes

I would lose my balance

And my grip

And I probably never fully even knew

After I lost Mum and Judy too

How desperate I was to be seen again

By another human being

And so when he came offering me love

It seemed like the answer to a prayer

Given from above

And yet over these three and a half years

Something stopped us from drawing near

As forces stole in seeding doubts

Or protecting my heart

God knows which

The truth is these days

I cannot be with you

And all I have are these distant memories

Nothing like the embodied life of a real solid masculine

Trustworthy human being

And then I watch others as they struggle

With this complex and oh so natural

Human need

To connect in a meaningful way

And then run at times

Dashing old hopes

Aground upon hard rocks

Of sorrow

The seeking

the (sometimes) cold comfort

Of philosophy

Where lies the truth?

I ask myself

Yes we were born alone

But there were humans to meet us too

Did they look deeply into our eyes

Did they even try

To feel into the natural shape

Of our unique heart, mind, body and soul

Or did we meet a wall of projection

Or absence

Instead

Yes, the truth is you are gone

And we were never that close

And still lately I do feel that I know

Your soul

So for now I choose to be alone

Even as I know its not the natural way of life

I will not turn deaf to all of these longings

I will still pray

But for now I will just stay

As long as I can

With the mixed up complexity

Of human being

Of human need