As someone in recovery being able to name my feelings is actually a huge sign of forward progress.. So often I just experienced my feeling in my body as ‘anxiety’ or tearing, or sucking or piercing feelings not yet knowing this could be the expression in my cells of a profound mix of terror, fear, old hurt and perhaps even anger over being so abandoned emotionally. Luckily today when this mix came up while talking to my sister I was able to have an extremely helpful 20 minute debrief with a very good friend in AA who is also a counsellor.
He told me today that fear is actually our friend, to be scared of fear and of facing and acknowledging its presence and meaning is the problem, to not know why it exists and has a place in our life or to think that we are bad or wrong or flawed or gutless to feel fear is just plain wrong because fear actually can and DOES SHOW US WHAT IS (at times) DANGEROUS OR UNSAFE. This is different in a way to flashback fear which may play a part transferred onto a similar (from the past) if not same situation in the now, but as Jeff said when there is a fire burning it can actually be healthy to walk away from it, since fighting fire with fire only tends to end up with us battling a mighty bonfire that may threaten to destroy us. Fear may also alert us to the fact that we may not have the necessary or adequate skills to deal with the situation, if we over-ride this with arrogance or impetuousness we may find ourselves in a lot of hot water. And how often does the inner critic try to shame us for necessary fear or feelings of vulnerability?
Jeff recited me a lovely AA Milne poem about a boy being told to beware of the squares in case if, when he stepped on one, he encountered a bear, he told me today it took a while for him to know it was a poem about fear..
For me with my sister her current state of mind terrifies me.. I noticed today that I started to lecture or force solutions, reacting out of that fear.. When I acknowledged this I just stopped went silent and focused on my breath and on prayer.. She doesn’t want to leave home, does not want to be in nature or feel the fresh air, does not want me to get her help to connect her TV to the internet (even though she wants it connected but does not know how to) does not want to see friends.. I recognized today I need to pull back, I am trying yet again to step into the savior role and its not my place at all. That said to leave her alone as she is with her brain not functioning, unable to cook, cope, feel or remember anything is challenging.. So I am doing what I can calling and talking for half a hour or more as I can when I can..
Anyway today it helped for me just to understand the level of terror I am dealing with and to be able to reach out for help with it.. in the past I would feel shame for the desire to take up someone else’s time and yet we all need help at times and its healthy to be able to ask for it. Sadly my sister cannot do that at the moment, she admits to being totally lost.. she is not getting any of the right help and I told her this.. she knows its true but still she is not ready (yet!) to take any new steps. I just have to keep praying really I just have to keep trying the best while acknowledging the level of hurt I have sustained at her hands and the hands of her family has, at times, been enormous and also recognizing the things I have no control over at all.. her life, thinking, attitudes and decisions!
Emerging From The Dark Night 