Quiet

Sometimes it seems to me that the truest things, the realest things, the most eternal things can only be known in the depths of quiet.. I had a couple of days of seeing where my own desires being thwarted can take me, into a very angry place and a place in which I want to fight everything to escape but in listening to that song Splintered that I found two nights ago I sensed the fracture and the driven into a torn place by my trauma due to reactions that has only at times made life become more of a place of suffering..

I got a pop up message on my phone from the Dwell biblical app today that has never appeared before it simply said the words

Be Still

It felt like a message from the angels on a day in which I felt somewhat over-committed, I had to go out three times today to meet up with people, first with my sister, then with my cousin and then with a group of friends for a late 60th birthday dinner.. It all went okay (even if I am feeling exhausted right now) I felt comfortable although a lot of rage burst out of me with my sister it was not at her but expressing stuff I have kept pent up for far too long. The force of it scared me, it was difficult on my body and soul and then the agony of the Daniel Scott situation also tore into me.. I wrote a post about it but will keep it in drafts maybe not all needs to be shared here for public view.

Suffice to say that both men have struggles, long to be connected and loved and my anger with what Scott has put me through made me seek elsewhere which just happens to be what happened with his ex wife when he was on too long a deployment many years back, she had an affair with a neighbor. For me the ‘cheating’ (I was accused of when I took the risk to be honest and then had to say I feel is unjustified in the circumstances) is having contact with another man which is laughable as I have not kissed or slept with either one.. but the idea of hurting someone, of breaking their heart hurts mine and Daniel lost his wife to cancer 6 years ago and the last thing I want to do is break his heart.. But at dinner with friends tonight I was informed by one of my friends who works as a speech writer for the government and Department of Healthy that leaving and returning to Australia will not be possible any more due to Covid 19 for any Australian residents and if old residents want to come back they will not be able to leave again.. That would be fine if Scott ever gets free he wants to settle back here but as it is over 35,000 Australians want to come home right now but are not allowed, while people with means and movie stars have been able to fly in and out pretty much unrestricted..

Daniel is from Lithuania and I cannot travel there i do not think.. and he could come for a visit but if he then leaves perhaps he cannot come again so I do not know even if we would have a future, the truth is though, that for a time two hearts connected and I too, with the damage of my chaotic attachment issues am connecting a lot more deeply and honestly now than I ever have in years gone by with people, with all the associated risks of heartbreak that that may entail. And as my angels reminded me today it is not possible to live fully and to escape times of tearing and pain that just go with what it means in making the choice to open our hearts to the unpredictable systole and diastole flow of it all.

Tonight though its a precious gift at 9.58 pm to actually be back home with Jasper snoring in the quiet of my home with only a few soft lights on and the heating comfortably whirring away. I do not often feel totally at home in the outside world, tonight a lot of conversation revolved around the ins and outs of the Covid vaccine. with my history of family aneurysms and blood clots I may choose not to get vaccinated.. I have not decided yet, I am not closing the door on it but its not my preferred topic of conversation and at times I did feel squeezed out of the conversation, so its a relief sometimes to just get home to where I can be me and totally in touch with a place of quieter non physical spiritual understanding.

The outside world now is getting increasingly chaotic and busy, I am not a fan of being drawn into all the fear and drama of it and I would rather quietly send both love and healing to both of these lovely men who have come into my life and are both in war and terror torn places at the moment.. Daniel had a military attack with civilians which involved some of his medical colleagues yesterday in Baghdad, I could tell he was rattled by it when we spoke earlier today before I visited my sister.. Sometime I think of how desperately we are all, in these modern times, in desperate need of quiet, peace, down time as well as time to deeply connect inwardly. For me, this is the place where I am most nourished, where I can draw breath… where I can let go.

Kat said to me in therapy yesterday the she feels the anger I am expressing is working its way out of my system, today taking the risk to express how I feel and be heard and even get an apology from my sister felt good, we gave each other a very kind forgiving hug when I left her around 12.40 pm today.. So tonight I count my blessings for what has been released over past days.. and I pray for the renewal to accompany the new moon that will be with us in a couple of days..I really crave peace now, peace after all of the chaos and storms of the first 59 years of my life. My soul is craving quiet connection too.. because in this silence I sense depths that I cannot touch base with when caught up with so much that is external and yet I also relish those connections too, for people who have and will always continue to be part of my soul journey.