I got hurt and triggered by my sister and her family again. I reached out in a gesture of kindness. Then had a massive reaction when it was blocked. The old hurts are painfully close to the surface. Emotionally they can not see me. They ride over me (or have in the past). I look to my part because after Mum died I did pull back but no one embraced me either. In fact that oldest son never even gave me hug just stood with his back against the wall texting. I feel discomfort even sharing this because he does have good qualities but maybe we just do not understand each other. His younger brother was so loving to me after I collapsed in tears following my eulogy at the funeral. Their Dad had that lovely embracing quality at times too. I still have the white hanky he have me to dry my tears and I treasure it.
And maybe God tested me because after I posted the earlier post about not giving into resentment it all came up again.
My sister chooses not to feel its that simple she’d rather use drugs or ECT she consistently won’t step up or face her emotions. I think deep down she believes if she cannot maintain a constantly ‘up’ state there is something wrong with her. I get torn between having compassion and feeling annoyed at the same time realizing none of this is conscious for her.. The way I reacted today is talked on in Al Anon as being irritable and discontent (which only happens if we try to force solutions – which I did later after posting this by sending an email about my concerns about the ECT to both her older son and my brother.
To be real I MUST OWN MY PART IN THE DYNAMIC, why keep reaching out 9 times to her possible 1? Honestly this isn’t about tit for tat but at times it grates. Wish I’d got not as pulled into that vortex of fury earlier but this Lions gate portal opening in 3 days bringing up that solar/kingly part if us that must be valued must be real. Do I need to try or just let it all go>
The truth is my sister cannot express any emotion. It classic adult child of alcoholic stuff. She needs that approach but I’m not God and it is her right to follow her own pathway without my interference. Who knows if all of this isn’t just for my healing too. Did my ego get bent out of shape or was it real sadness that growing up she was so often harsh, hard, emotionally detached and cruel and isn’t it up to me to be bloody adult and accept it all by now and let it all go?
Emerging From The Dark Night 