Conundrum : Hostage by the devil?

Tidy or messy?

Leaving just a bit of shadow

Allowing myself not to seek perfection

By just surrendering to all of this :

The scattered leaves

The dusty shelves

The flaking paint

The piles of books

And lashings of dog hair

That come from you my oh so dearly beloved

Soul companion

Lately I see the conundrum

Of longing for perfection

Of craving connection

Only to also fear engulfment

While dogged by the pain of how

You hurt me so

I do not know if for the rest of my life

I will end up living alone

But sometimes lately

No on in this mixed up world

Seems to be totally a stranger

And even those that hurt me

Well,

All they were doing really

Was just living their own set apart lives

Unconscious as they were

Were they really sinners?

What were the defences that prevented them

From turning inwards

From feeling the damage

From facing feelings

From unfreezing?

Was it just fear and ignorance?

Or really was it that they were being held

Hostage by the devil?