On uncertainty and my ongoing anger work

i had a major very vocal angry outburst in therapy an hour ago around old blocking and trauma by my Dad .and painfully my therapist reminded me it effects therapists in other rooms and their clients. She told me later they said it sounds like someone being murdered which ironically makes TOTAL SENSE since the rage was all around him not wanting to take the time to engage, regulate, help, support and be with me. She hasn’t told me this before and I felt clenching fear and shame, at the same time as finally honouring and expressing my anger felt right.

Alice Miller writes that when we can cry out and protest not getting what we truly wanted and needed from unavailable parents or parents who show contempt for our true needs and feelings it is a huge step forward for many of us unseen, shamed, shut down and in or neglected.But sadly for me it still comes with a lot of Shame and guilt.

i wish my therapist had validated my response more I froze for a while in the chair it was hard to look up also when I felt the hurt in my tummy over what Dad did..now often repeated by my oldest brother I get up and move about thr small room. Today I held a rose quartz crystal she has in a bowl.

We react instinctively in our bodies and Deb Dana’s work on polyvagal theory shows our brainstem is constantly scanning and receiving cues, also for us to have had no positive experiences of being held and attuned to as well as connected with exist its harder to reach out in trust and to be actively frustrated breeds narcissistic injury that fuels later rage.

In Complex trauma we also develop hair trigger antenna to look out for danger, Robert Johnson a Jungian therapist addresses this in very metaphoric way when he tells the myth of One Two Man a native American raised by his grandmother who wears a hair shirt with hundreds of eyes on every strand of upstanding hair to scan for possible threat. A tape of this lecture was given to me in the early years of sobriety in the 90s by an older sober member.

Carrying thIs much anger, shame and fear of threat and being fully alive is not easy at all, lately I am growing more and more conscious of it.

im editing this post now a day later because the massive rage outburst took a lot out of me. After therapy I had to sit in the car for sometime and do a quick walk then spend half an hour in the toilet pushing against the walls and breathing after lunch. For the second time in two weeks at the cafe they gave me the wring lunch..is it because I now wear a denture they misheard me? last week I didn’t complain.. just ate it, this week I just told them but I sat there almost crying while thinking WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO GIVE Me WHAT I NEED iF I ASK AND IT IS LEGITIMATE THAT I NEED THEIR HELP?

Anyway I had a challenging night digesting everything..was awake from about 2.45 to about 4 am taking remedies and in the loo again trying to breathe and birth and cintsun the emotions pushing hard against the walls.

I am TERRIFIED ABOUT THIS ANGER..IN AA they may say it’s a sin but why wouldn’t Dad support me..it wasn’t physical abuse but it was still so bloody damaging to me. And I still feel shame and blame myself at the moment that’s being transferred onto what Scott put me through and I accepted but if it’s only help he wanted why wouldn’t my brother help? But maybe it was wrong to help? Daniel thinks he’s a scammer and id now upset with me, asking if his love isn’t enough but honestly somewhere deep inside I trust Scott. I just hugged Jasper and cried my eyes out earlier, at least I can talk to my sister about this..maybe the shock treatment erased her harder self, maybe this is also a time of deep awakening for her spiritually? All I know is that lately with this much shit going down God must really be very powerfully present in my life. I just have to hold on right now but today my head feels like it’s about to explode