Its such a tender thing when someone is really there for you, they do not seem to be asking much of you at all, only to love you and somehow that love they give seems to grow love in you by some kind of magical resonance..
That is how I am feeling tonight.. If Scott is genuine he did try but in the end to put me under so much pressure and not to ever take no for an answer really broke something in my capacity to love him deeply.. I had to risk being totally transparent with Daniel, it was fearful for me, after all his ego may be threatened if I cared for someone else but somehow he is letting me have space to figure it all out and this is a good feeling, it is a kind of allowing of me that I did not seem to find in any other relationship before.
When I listened to channeled videos of Abraham Hicks vibrational matching is mentioned a lot.. The thing spoken of in a lot of what Ester channels involves focusing on your joy in living and being in this moment instead of forcing agendas or even longing for what you want.. Its more a case of knowing what would vibrate well with you, focusing on your own life and allowing that to come. It may not mean you do not put in some effort but that you also allow and keep a positive frame of mind.. This is not something I really know how to do at times, in a family where so much seemed to go wrong so much of the time it always seems like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I was also reading in Beth Aisbet’s book on anxiety today that having a mindset that problems are challenges that can be gently faced and worked through a step at a time is preferable to allowing them to overwhelm us. These two things may seem to contradict each other but its really a case of right effort.. If we have to keep forcing things and encountering blockages every step of the way is the said thing really meant to be? Is it really Gods’ will for us.
Today I was guided to a reading in the Al Anon book Hope For Today which spoke of turning our worry over to God in trust that things can work out and that we do not have to end up taking on inappropriate burdens and end up raising our inner anxiety level..
I am noticing with my sister lately how my anxiety rushes in, last night it came down in a flood at about 2 am I was worried over her capacity and ability to have power and control over her financial affairs in the wake of this shock treatment.. Anyway I shared the concerns with her today but is it really my business? At times I am not sure if I am meant to be protecting her.. I see that perhaps Mum over protected us two girls at times.. she may have tried to make things easier and that may have ended up making them harder for us in the long run..
These days I also know my anxiety will decrease when I take care of my inner child’s needs and do not palm them off or try to take on other’s inner child (need based) stuff. Pulling back from this is still is not easy for me but I am working on it.. And as far as Scott and I go the feeling I am having is that in the end this meeting and being together was just not meant to be in this lifetime.. I do not experience the calm and expansion with him lately that I feel with Daniel and I remember watching a movie lately where the character spoke of the right love she found having this aura of calm and lack of drama around it.. With Scott as I look back there has been WAAAAY TOO MUCH DRAMA, and that is not how I want to be living any more. When he keeps talking of dying it all seems so unfair.. I used to take shit in the past but I am not ready to really take it on anymore.. I do not really think that is what my Higher Power really has planned for my life..
Emerging From The Dark Night 