Towards the end of my mother’s life I witnessed the impact of all of the trauma and stress on her body.. My Mum tried so hard in the only way she knew how in the later years to be a good Mum to my sister and I.. I know my older sister’s death in 2014 affected her a lot and the suicide attempt of my second sister in April 2013 was very tough on her..She was the one to find my sister after she made this attempt and she did not even let me know for at least half a day, she called the ambulance and tried to manage the impact as best she could alone just as she did on Christmas morning when my Dad became very sick following his cancer surgery. I am sure certain things she did played a part in how my sister felt but she was not to blame.
The knee surgery she had in 2012 also went badly wrong for her.. She was advised to travel 3 hours away to have it and developed and embolism and she often felt after that the surgeon slipped with the knife. We were so worried being so far away.. I traveled up to stay in a hotel close by for 3 or 4 nights as my closest sister was not well, was, I believe, back in psychiatric care and of course my older sister was in the home.. It caused me such pain to see my Mum suffering so, she had been cut from thigh to knee and keen to ankle on one leg as they had to put in stents.. And her Cambodian nurse Bean said to Mum.. “your daughter not strong” when he saw me crying and wincing with the pain I felt she was in..
Sometimes when I feel the contortions or spasms in my own body and think of how two of our female descendants went on to have seizures of my own I cannot help but see them as connected.. both of my sisters went through over drugging and immobilization. At the end of her life my older sister was completely bed ridden and it became harder and harder to take her out in the wheel chair as I tried to do..Also when I was with my last partner he got really nasty after we visited her and she was crying and I held her hand. I remember we went for a coffee afterward and he said to me “you better watch out that you don’t end up like that”, so much for empathy.. There was a similar outburst after a visit to see his Mum.. I wish we both could have shown each other more tenderness but then that is life and how it goes when you both have trauma.. When we first met he told me he was tempted to cut his Mum out of his life, she had to leave his father as he was a violent alcoholic and in many ways Phil never forgave her…
These are the thoughts and memories that I have at times, maybe even more common leading up to the anniversary of my husband leaving in 10 days.. I have more understanding and forgiveness in my heart now but empathy was not ever really shown me especially by his mother.. In fact his family did not like the fact I was sober and tried to tell him I was no fun.. maybe at times I found it hard to connect to them with my own trauma history, who knows.. As it stands we were not meant to last the distance..
And with my living sister.. I am calling as much as I can lately.. I rang her today and she sounded so lonely, she is finding cooking impossible.. I would love to have her around for more meals but it involves both picking her up and dropping her home and since my PTSD is just as bad at times that makes me resentful but then I feel guilty as I know she is probably trying her best.. I want to let bygones be bygones. even though I got hurt.. What use will it do to carry the hurting on I wonder? And its fine to give when I have the energy to do it, after all she lost Mum too and in many ways they were more closely bonded although that probably had a lot of negative impacts on my sister too..
I got a call from the crematorium on Thursday too.. My Mum’s ashes are still awaiting internment with my father’s grave. My sis and I got as far as organizing a new headstone with both their names on it when she came good in 2020.. but after that she collapsed again. I want to collect the ashes and bring them home.. I hate thinking of them just sitting in the office over there, a continued replaying of the distance/abandonment family theme.. I asked her son (my sister’s oldest one) if we could do a little ceremony for Grandma at the time he said yes then ignored other attempts I made to connect over it after my sister collapsed again.. I will collect the ashes this week and keep them here.. maybe in time we can come together in some way.. What I am learning is to be more patient and compassionate.. my anger at times masks frustration and grief and it turns into a sense I am on the receiving end of a vendetta when really others are just too caught up in their own problems and life in this busy fast pace and increasingly disconnected society.. But I do not have to get caught up too.. At least with the ashes at home I can make plans for what to do.. If no one cares I will organize a ceremony myself with her best friend.. Mum may be gone now but I need to respect her wishes.. that is very important to me.. even if at times my Mum mixed up my boundaries I do not want to pass the wounding back.. That will serve no useful purpose at all.
Emerging From The Dark Night 