Grieving and connecting is not easy

This is a very rushed post.. I am not even editing it right now I need to get it out leading up to this Full Moon which is exact right now.

Being hit with huge waves of feeling today.. The Sun finally left water and is now in fire and Mercury is the only inner planet now in water behind Mars Venus and the Sun.. it is also (the Sun) opposing my Mars Saturn Moon while the transiting Moon at 00 Aquarius sits smack bang on Mars.

Taking the risk to call my sister seems life threatening at times.. She was so shut down last time we talked and I go through so many swings and roundabouts being angry at her treatment of me at the Coast in 2005 and how she got Mum to choose between us. But then trying to be fair I think of how collapsed I was only to be later shut out by her family after Mum died not even being asked to there for Christmas the year they moved home HURT ME SO MUCH. but in his book on healing Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh speaks of internal formations which becomes knots tied inside of us when others are mean, their lives go on fine but we are the ones all twisted up in pain. Maybe its our fault after all we were too scared to reach out but wasn’t that self protection since they ONLY SHOWED FUCKING CONTEMPT TO OTHERS IN SOBRIETY WHILE THEY FUCKING GUZZLED DOWN EVEN MORE BOOZE?.. IT MAKES ME SO FUCKING ANGRY THIS RIGHTEOUS SUPERIORITY THEY SHOW AND THE MOCKING AND THE DEVALUING. THAT IS TOXIC WAY OF NARCISSISM AFTER ALL.!

I did call my sister, she listened and she did connect with some of the people she now trusts, others are being shut out which is probably what she needs to do. I opened up how much it is hurting that my brother is ignoring my emails to deal with my allowance, I told her I would love to call my niece but fear rejection, she told me not to call then said I should call.. I went silent and started crying as she encouraged me to keep trying to contact my brother.

Add to this I am so desperately sad about Scott right now.. He has been crying and pleading for my help even telling me to sell my house.. I could not even reply to that I had huge outbursts with him yesterday as my money is not coming back.. I feel bad even writing this as in other posts I said I would cut him off but discussing it in therapy on Thursday he is part of my shadow, the needy self who CAN ASK FOR WHAT IT WANTS WHILE i FEEL i HAVE NO RIGHTS AT ALL. AND THEN UNDER THIS IS GUILT THAT I COULD NOT DEVELOP MYSELF AND STAND APART FROM FAMILY WHILE TRYING TO BE THERE FOR MY MUM AND SISTER WHO NOW IS DEAD AT A TIME NO OTHER FAMILY WANTED TO BE CLOSE!!

After talking to my sister I went to the milk bar near where Mum used to go as a child. There is an older lady called Alison who sits there every day in the window seat having her coffee, she is the same age as my Mum as I have seen her many times now both in this cafe and the one year my home.. She wears the same shoes as my Mum and a big fur hat. At the same time a lovely girl waiting for her food smiled at me, she then connected with Alison.. Alison is slow on her feet and very frail so I was watching her so that I could help her when she got to the milk bar door as it is heavy but then I noticed I had been the child again in the milk bar all alone exiled from family and looking around for someone to connect to.. Eventually the smiling girl, Zoe had a conversation with Alison I could see by the way she was connecting to Alison with her eyes she was an empath, I had smiled at her back before this.

I left the milk bar in tears. I walked through the pouring rain to the Asian crafts shop as I wanted to replace a bowl I got from there that shattered a few weeks ago.. it is dark blue with white blossoms I also got a little origami bird with a crystal hanging down.. I shared my fears with my sister over being rejected by family but how can they see the small child in me left so alone like her mother. AND NOW IT ISNT UP TO THEM TO CARETAKE ME ITS UP TO ME BUT THEY ARE FAMILY AND THEY HAVE EVERY KIND OF HELP FROM MY BROTHER WHILE I GET FUCK ALL.. THEY ALSO TOOK ALL MY STUFF OUT OF THE COAST HOUSE THAT BELONGS TO ME AND MY SISTER!!. .

Still after my conversation with my sister I was blaming myself for having to to as a beggar to my brother and not having made the means to take care of my own life financially I hate myself for this at times I feel so so ashamed but then I think of how hard Mum and Dad struggled financially and of how much feeling they had to hide emotionally.. Earlier in the book Mind Sight by Daniel Siegel I was reading how when feeling and pain is shut down it affects the anterior cigulate cortex (ACG) but as he explains when we shut down grief or pain or sadness we also loose our access to joy..

I have been demonized or shut out so many times for crying or MADE TO FEEL PATHETIC OR FEEL THAT I SHOULD FEEL GUILTY FOR ‘SPOILING THINGS FOR OTHERS’ how abusive is that? Is it any wonder I was highly ambivalent about connecting and that my nose bled for over 3 days when I chose not to go to the coast for that Christmas in 2014 when my nephew screamed at my sister to get out of bed around the 30th anniversary of Dad falling ill and dying.. It Is clear to me that I carried the family unconscious and that was a lot to carry so why am I blaming myself? Trying to rise out of this has felt at times like being buried or having to drill my way up through concrete that is symbolized by Saturn : the transiting Sun and Moon are now opposing each other across my Mars (1 degree) Saturn (3 degrees) and Moon (6 degrees).. Saturn made Mum and Dad work so hard only to die with so much pent up and carried by all of us.. And I am the one who chose sobriety. no one else at all… so why am I blaming myself still?

The Moon is also now on the exact degree it was when Eliza and Thomas’s boat the Diharee set sail from Cornwall to New Zealand on 12 December 1874 and that is the date my Mum died after a night in which she was struggling to stand upright (dorsal vagus issue) and saying to me and the male nurse desperately “I must get going” it must all have been being held in her memory too.. And then she was gone two days later.. I could not save her!