More on the effects of self involved parents

This post is a follow up to the one I wrote yesterday with out takes from Eleanor Payson’s book on Narcissism and one way relationships..

One of the other solutions a child who is ignored or devalued often takes to get attention as many of us know is to sacrifice our own needs and become codependent (excessively focused on the feelings and needs of others.) Such a solution also opens us up for a host of other problems both physical and psychological including (often buried) anger and resentment, anxiety, low self esteem and a growing inability to be in touch with our own needs, thoughts and feelings.

A child raised in this way only gains status and attention for the ability to meet the needs of the parent or parents, while at the same time being deprived of recognition, validation and loving affection. In this situation we learn to delay our own gratification until others are alright or have what they need, we will often be guilted or shamed if we do not. We also develop an exquisite radar for how others are feeling or what they might need. In this situation Payson explains we need to become aware that the empathy we give others is really the empathy we most long for and so we often tend to get trapped in a host of unhealthy relationships with narcissists as a result.

A variant of this is manner of wounding is the so called ‘spoiled child’ which is really a misnomer for as Payson points out this child is NOT GIVEN WHAT HE OR SHE NEEDS, rather he or she is given an abundance of WHAT HE OR SHE DOES NOT NEED. This leads to a host of confusing conflicted feelings : disappointment, guilt, frustration, an oppressive burden of ‘pretending’ as well as resentment that the parent is out of tune with you. In addition a development of feelings of inadequacy may be hidden as we are not allowed to discover our own choices and abilities for ourselves.. There may also be a strong fear of interacting with a world we do not expect to meet or see us.. so we may appear shy, moody or unpredictable in behavior or reactions in our friendships.. Attachment bonding issues along with emotional neglect often leads us to seek self soothing in addictions.

Usually such parents invade and that leads us to shut down and withdraw even more. We may often shun connections in the world or put others down due to problems with knowing what happened to our own feelings of vulnerability.. We also tend to feel overpowered by others who are fully alive and may substitute a grandiose self to hide behind thinking that we must live up to the false standards set by our parents that really have nothing to do with what we really want at all. Payson labels this “the compulsion to achieve illusory standards of the parent’s idealized self”.. Lack of empathy for others may result since we do now know what true empathy is or feels like, if we were not shown it.

Guilt and worry play a huge part in the lives of those of us subject to such wounding in childhood, as do all of the other symptoms mentioned above related to depression, low self esteem and anxiety. But symptoms can give us clues to what is wrong and we need to trust they have messages for us on our path of healing.. Opening up to our wounding is the way through, facing the pain we TRULY FELT AND HAD TO HIDE MUST BE DONE.. John Bradshaw in his shame reduction and inner child healing work calls this grief work.

Grief tells us where we lost the way to our True Selves.. even if shame is associated with this part of us and other defenses cover over that grief, as they will. One reason a good therapist is essential is to act as a positive mirror for the truer part of us.. Our choice of therapist must be careful though, as some therapists do not get the depth of our original pain if they have not faced and healed their own issues but got stuck in the dysfunctional systems that fail to recognize the deeper roots of the abandonment depression suffered by those of us who had to cut off from the True Self in childhood due the parents failure in helping us to develop.

Pain is often the unwelcome herald of needed change. Pain also insists that this change be given the attention it deserves, which is generally far more than we want to acknowledge.

Eleanor Payson

Merely to seek symptom relief alone will not lead to permanent healing since symptoms only cover the deeper pain that may take a long time to emerge in therapy.

Issues of wounding are critically tied to our lost opportunities for dealing with our (real) feelings, and therefore our ability to have empathy for others and for ourselves. The defenses which once protected us are now the barriers preventing us from finding deeper fulfillment and intimacy in our lives. The child who has paid the price of shutting down the feelings of hurt and pain (at not being helped by a parent to express and deal with them) is the adult who remains hostage to the blackmail of his defense mechanisms.

Eleanor Payson