The impact of growing up with a narcissistic or self absorbed parent is clearly explained by Eleanor Payson in the fourth chapter of her book The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists. Narc parents work to dismantle or prevent the formation of your true self, asserting your needs may be met with frustration, valid expressions of anger be seen as you being ‘bad’ and control tactics can be used as well as manipulation to derail you.. In addition you may receive double messages. All of this leaves the sufferer feeling insecure, uncertain and frustrated, (often with the root causes obscured!)
Payson explains that often we tend to rebel against such treatment in adolescence, which marks a period of separation from the parents anyway marked in astrology by Saturn’s first opposition to its birth place.. where we may try to assert our needs and feelings only to have them shut down again.. the result may be a period of rebellion marked my an uneasy truce. Add some emotional neglect into the mix and things get even more complicated.
Often idealization of the parent remains in place along with buried feelings of anger and frustration, since you cannot express the later this is a huge inner conflict to carry. This also leads us to deny even more how we really feel and what we really need or minimize feelings of frustration and hurt.. And as Payson points out, even if you do acknowledge your hurt and frustration other feelings often stay buried only to resurface in later relationships where similar dynamics are replayed.
Since the NPD parents often projects aspects of themselves onto their children that they feel shame about or will not own, part of the work of detangling from the roots of narcissistic abuse at the hands of a parent is a realistic assessment of both your strengths and weaknesses, in addition the NPD parent may have devalued good qualities in you while projecting a lot of shame that is not yours but in fact theirs (this projection of shame and vulnerability is common to most narc abuse relationships.)
According to Payson the complex legacy of such treatment leads to the following symptoms in those who do not come to suffer from NPD themselves : low self esteem, lowered vitality and initiative, depression, as well as difficulties in maintaining successful relationships with others as an adult. How much we suffer depends on what initiative we are prepared to take in terms of self reflection, if we can own elements of our wounding we may be able to arrest the acting out of that wounding but perhaps only if it has replayed in a number of situations and relationships from late adolescence onwards.
The different manifestations of having a NPD parent are complex and Payson goes on to outline them in following portions of Chapter Four.. One involves being the child chosen to receive the parents golden/(and inflated) mirroring of the NPD parent’s positive self projections, This child often becomes isolated and split off from reality with a life in which genuine emotional expression becomes severely limited as well as access to his/or her True Self and thoughts, the child often has to sacrifice these to keep the parent’s love but since that love is conditional the True Self is lost as well as a capacity for genuine relating. Often a person suffering in this way will go through a period of breakdown should the reality of their situation open up through separation or death of that parent. In addition, often the second parent is absent or emotionally distant and unavailable..
Healing of this pattern involves the painful recognition and grieving of what was lost or never fully allowed to form in us, and all the associated losses connected to that.. Fears of rejection and abandonment must be faced since the disapproving parent is now only an inward constellation and since it stands in opposition to the True Self those fears must be faced and worked through and dismantled over time.
Such children may develop a grandiose self to cover their fear of being a failure or too vulnerable, since they may have been prevented from the development of a sense of competency and autonomy as a result of their parents abuse. Deep shame may be obscured under other defensive reactions.. Payson compares this to the Rapunzel fairy tale in her book. Escaping from the tower built by the parent to keep the child in a state of arrest involves much psychological work. This same Rapunzel theme of self protection leading to emotional and other psychological developmental arrests is also covered in depth in therapist Donald Kaslcheds’ book The Inner World of Trauma
A second pattern that may develop, Payson allies to the fairytale of Cinderella. In this situation the NPD parent devalues in the child all of the child’s best qualities that fill the parent with a feeling of inadequacy or envy. Rather than encourage the child the child is blocked or put down. Often we find in this child all the wonderful qualities of sensitivity, empathy and a caring nature. There will be much criticism, humiliation and punishment in this child’s life, along with a great deal of emotional and physical abandonment. Contempt is often show for vulnerability. Often one parent in this child’s life had to work so hard to repress their own emotional pain.. They may have sought the solution of being highly successful in the world as a compensation. Hardship is idealized as is emotional numbness or toughness.. Dependency needs are likely shamed and denied leading to multiple inner conflicts and many arrests.
Healing involves, again, honest self reflection and often much therapy as the harsh voices internalized from the rejecting parents can be so deeply and profoundly rooted inside of us.. It takes much work to challenge them and begin to reduce the anxiety that results from fear of being rejected or shamed for expressing as well aa taking the risk to fully live as our True Self.
Emerging From The Dark Night 