The following list of traits that explains the way a person with unhealthy NPD reacts to and treats or fails to treat you is important to be aware of.. Often it is our own need for attention and approval or to be allied with someone we perceive to have power and control that attracts us to the Narcissist.. If we have a deficit of self love at first they bolster us up but later they may tear us down when they see us as failing or falling short of adoring them or meeting their needs.. If we do not have a strong sense of self this may completely dismantle us coming out of the devaluation/discard phase.
This list is taken from The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists : Coping With the One Way Mirror in Work, Love, and Family written by Eleanor D. Payson, M.S.W.
Limited or no ability to:
Self reflect and take ownership of a problem.
Tolerate anything percieved as criticism, oversight, or dismissal.
Recognize others as separate selves – free agents with free will.
Feel genuine empathy for others.
Recognize the needs of others.
Negotiate anger – periodic loss of control of anger, outbursts of rage.
Acknowledge or praise other people’s accomplishments.
Genuinely apologize or feel remorse.
In addition these traits are excessive in NPD
Need for attention, approval, admiration, special consideration, or recognition.
Demonstration of a grandiose sense of entitlement – a hallmark!
Controls and manipulates others to achieve his or her goals – tenacious and persuasive.
Critcizes self and others
Holds unrealistic expectations of self and others.
Holds an over-estimation of self and his/her needs – maintains the belief that he or she is more unique and special than others -grandiose self image
Manifests compulsive behaviors
Demonstrates an all or nothing approach to life.
Compulsively pursues status, power, money, beauty, recognition, etc
We all fall somewhere on this continuum and have normal needs for narcissistic supplies of recognition, empathy, appreciation, and support. In addition, when under stress we have the need for more comfort, attention, and support, however, when the stressful period passes, a person with an overall healthy sense of self will return to a balanced give and take of recipricol sharing with others. The narcissist, however, rarely moves past his or her excessive need for the narcissistic supplies and maintains an unrelenting tendency to feel that his needs and/or circumstances are more special, more unique, or more important than yours
Emerging From The Dark Night 