I get so caught up in worries over my sister’s mental health at times I lose my solid ground, before I know it my serenity is gone and I am thinking the worst, then my distorted thinking turns to what I could have possibly done to make things wrong or have her not respond to calls or even acknowledge texts..
I had to have a debrief about it with two good friends today, one of them has a daughter with mental health issues and undergoes all of the same complex feelings, and with another friend today I had an outburst in the middle of the busy cafe we often go to and the place just froze for a few seconds before I burst into tears. My friend said she thought it was good for me to let off steam and no one got hurt!
Holding my boundaries is hard. I had to pull back from going over to my sister’s apartment today.. Everyone tries to reach out to her but she is not reaching back. I had to come to the decision today not to worry over what I could do more.. I called twice and texted to say I was worried and would she please respond, she has not.. I keep wondering how I will feel if she makes an attempt on her life again, will I feel I did all I could? I honestly do and the treatment at her hands was cruel sometimes.. Everyone who follows my blog knows how hard I try to put it behind me.. but it still rears up at times with resentment and anger. I am only human.
In the end my sister’s state of mind and responses rest outside of my control and so tonight, if she blocks contact I must just hand her over to the love of God.. I just get so sick of my sense of serenity being undermined but maybe that is just life, at times its all a bit of a confusing mess until we decide we are not the ones’ with any kind of ultimate control or power over others.
Emerging From The Dark Night 