Angels are there, we are all born with a guardian angel who stays with us throughout life and is there to look over us, there are a host of other angels and spirit guides but they cannot fully work with us if we do not ask and try to connect with them, pray and open a listening ear or consciousness inwardly.. Most of all our angels want us to know that we are enough, that we are loved unconditionally and that we are worthy… we also have value just for the sheer fact of being not in any way related to outside approval.
Sadly the world may cause us to doubt in angels, this fills the angel’s hearts with sadness for humanity but it does not stop them from loving us unconditionally and watching over us and also trying to guide us..
Today I connected again with a lovely couple that know my sister, in fact just a few moments before in the tea section of the Supermarket I thought of them when selecting some new tea and spying the Twinnings Pomegranate and Cranberry Tea, as a couple of weeks before I ran into them in another supermarket and Mark was stocking up on this tea, only a few minutes later I ran into them in the frozen goods section and we got to have another long and lovely chat.. I told them that my sister had complained about them not visiting and that I had told her that in actual fact she asked them not to come.. The shock treatment is making her memory difficult but it was not a case of this, it is just the way my sister’s way of thinking can go, alternating between shutting down, isolating and completely withdrawing only in earlier times to come out fighting in a full on extraversion..
I notice lately that my angels are organizing these connections and they only come about if I get myself out and about. This contrasts with the way I was feeling earlier in the day conscious of so much the peace, that comfort and peace of just being home with Jasper. Never the less I agreed to cook a meal for my sister tonight, I am going to pick her up and drop her back too, as she is not feeling secure enough to drive after 4 months in hospital of no driving..
It has taken a lot of work but I made a vegetable cannelloni dish I have not made for a number of years.. I stuffed it up a bit by getting a ricotta cheese that was too runny, got the kitchen in quite a mess trying to spoon it into the pasta shells after making a sauce. but I just laughed at this.. Its my first attempt at this dish in a while and I wont know how it will be until we eat it.. The dish is all assembled now I will put it in the oven in half an hour and then I will only need to warm it up and make a salad and heat up some garlic bread when my sister comes..
I have to find a balance between giving and not encouraging my sister to stay in a helpless place where she does not do much to help herself.. I have to be careful of not calling every day and of striking the right balance of connection.. I will keep prayerful to be shown the right way to go..
I have noticed since this last stint of hers in withdrawal I am making more and more connections in the outside world, but it has to do with me reaching out too.. This is something my sister finds difficult if not impossible.. Her friend today told me she has tried to contact her several times.. it is becoming clear to me that my sister finds authentic meaningful connections difficult.. Maybe at times the fear of reaching out may be driven by shame or a fear of being over-ridden or misunderstood, or maybe even some of it comes out of confusion and perfectionism, really I cannot know as my sister finds it hard to externalize her inner processes.. and maybe I am more talkative at times.. sometimes it feels like all I do with friends lately is babble and blurt out so many things I kept hidden for years..
That said in each new interaction I learn more and I come away with that sense of happy uplift which, to me, is a sign these connections really give me something good that I have been missing for all of those years traumatic silence and buried emotions kept me distant…. I get shame attacks after interactions at times but I am sure they are not justified.. I do love my sister and its good to open my heart to those who care.. I know they care for my sister too, its just that her depression and low feelings of self worth so often seem to function to keep others at bay…
My angels encourage me to keep opening my heart and loving and not pay heed to the shutting down voices of isolation.. I have also been so inspired this afternoon to hear an interview with a coach called Ben Crowe who works with sports people like Australian tennis player Ash Barty.. this guy is such an inspiration and so full of wisdom, balanced intelligence and positivity that comes from an inner connection to joy and the playful inner child. He also lost his Dad as a teenager and has just spoken of how his mother told him the way she managed her grief over the loss was to recognize that her husband had now become an angel.. This really helped Ben in his life.. What a lovely day I have had today..I love Ben’s messages of getting over ego limits and a killing over seriousness that can destroy our capacity to be fully alive and experience joy. His insight that our fear of our vulnerability being exposed and wearing a mask keeping us so addictive and numb really resonated.. . this powerful message was just what I needed to hear today and I am sure it is one the angels will be smiling about.
https://www.abc.net.au/radio/programs/conversations/ash-barty-sports-mentor-ben-crowe/13418314
Emerging From The Dark Night 