I am trying to keep a sense of light and uplift around my sister at the moment.. When we speak I feel so sad for all she has gone through.. she sounds so lost at the moment, so disoriented by these shock treatments and so others are stepping in to suggest things for her, like moving into a retirement home.. I just want her to be sure THAT IS WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS FOR HER LIFE, I care about her and at times I see her being ridden over by her son.. That said I also have to watch my boundaries but today I noticed the two things that triggered her, the weather being rainy and dark and the fact she could not find a pen, when the later happened she started to get so stressed and was almost hyperventilating.. Anyway I just stayed still and quiet and when she finally manage to find one said “Yayee”. And there are often long silences on the phone when we talk just as I used to experience with my older sister when she was alive.
My older brother has also been in touch and our only niece has been having seizures, this had been going on for some time but they have been getting even worse. I mentioned to him the seizure/attacks I have and also just before my Mum died my older sister’s grand niece also had a seizure, she was frothing at the mouth and an ambulance was called while my mother and living sister looked on in terror, it was shortly after this Mum fell again and then died a week after the date of Lyra’s seizure. When this happened it felt on some level a re-enactment of my grandniece’s grandmother’s aneurysm which occurred around the same time of day many years before. It is my view that my niece has not separated psychologically from my brother and there are all kinds of reasons why her nervous system could be reacting this way.. That said my brother sounded pretty terrified about it all yesterday though he was also pretty interested in what I was trying to tell him about our carried multi-generational anxiety trauma..
For my own life I cannot afford to put my focus on the gloomy weather or things that I may not be able to find that may then trigger either a freak out in me or a negative downward spiral into dark thoughts and depression..In actual fact as I was speaking to my sister the sun was glimmering weakly from behind clouds, these days I would rather shift my thinking and attention to something uplifting, life giving and positive.. That said I guess it feels lonely for my sister being alone in that high apartment that was once my mothers. Ñ
I was reading up today on a lecture given at the Center For Psychological Astrology on planetary threads that tie families together where there have been traumas of one kind or another. The family in question being explored was from a Prussian background and during the Second World War they underwent the destruction of the family castle and the entire family had to be uprooted.. Pluto was in Cancer in the son’s chart in the Fourth House. The son had to rebuild his life and find a way to provide for the family but the trauma had a deep rooted impact on the three siblings born 1963 to 1967..
It was a very interesting analysis of how individuals can struggle within a background that may have been both traumatic and repressive.. I got a bit scared after reading it as it reminded me so much of how much I have been caught up in my own families unprocessed trauma.. I am the only one of my siblings apart from my older sister who died that has pursued therapy and an inward inquiry but lately I am seeing how much stuck and frozen energy of death has been trapped around all of us.. none of the four female descendants : my two sisters and I as well as our niece has had a relationship last. All my attempts to be with a new partner have also been blocked.. Sometimes it all seems just too bleak and yet I have to keep looking for the chinks of gold or light behind all of these clouds..
Maybe the sense of this being some kind of tapestry helps, possibly still a work in progress? I just don’t know.. It is just when I feel my sister so trapped and not able to find her way I start to feel so frozen and lost too.. And I cannot just not contact her.. after all without each other what else do we have? See maybe even that is not healthy at this point and yet I love her.. I will never stop praying and hoping for things to turn around.. I just have to try my very best to be as thankful as I can be and to give what I can when I can, even as another part of me fears becoming overwhelmed, frozen, paralyzed or stuck in an ancestral dead zone from which at times there appears to be no way of escape or exit route from.
Lately it just feels this retrogression of mine has been going on way too long, but could it be that I am still being just a bit too hard on myself? Family fates can be so so so powerful. Maybe as my therapist said on Thursday a new part of me is birthing, is just that little bit more capable of being separate from all of the family trauma.
Emerging From The Dark Night 