I have been awash in a lot of grief from my Inner Child this morning.. Its a vulnerable time knowing my sister is being released from hospital today and I read a good prayer to the angels which was all about praying to have the power to observe while not absorbing other people’s feelings and pain which we can naturally do as empaths, but possibly only because that pain triggers some of our own.
I am also really sad about Scott. I have not blocked him, I just have not read messages over the past 36 hours.. I do miss him but the adult part of me knows that this over helping comes out of my wounds. The way I learned to be close was to do things for you, to make myself useful, a narcissist will gladly take, their needs are ALWAYS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS, this is why healing for us co-dependents (the givers) means learning to ask for our needs to be met taking our inner child’s feelings seriously and find ways from the adult to get our needs met in a healthy non co-dependent way.. It is not much use blaming the other person, if they are not giving a need that is reasonable to ask for, then you must do what is right to care for yourself, if the way of giving becomes too much and too toxic as it has for me.
Still I cried a lot and a lot of grief also came up about the dog Sasha I had when I was about 14, Sasha only came to us after a long struggle with my parents, as I needed someone home after my second (still living) sister married, because I always came home to an empty house but the wrong thing for Sasha was for her to be left alone all day (I forced my own wound on the innocent dog!). This was in the late 70s so dog minding was not such a big thing.. Eventually Sasha wandered out onto the road and got hit by a car. She was not killed but wounded badly and needed so much care and medicine, this fell to Dad and in time we had to give her away to people who could care for her. That was heartbreaking (right for the dog’s needs) but so tough on me and then only a few years later I had my accident.
I am beginning to understand how much loneliness, set apartness and grief my inner child has carried for years.. When these deep feelings began to emerge in sobriety at about 6 years in, I took distance, I defended, I ran, I had to get back to therapy in the UK I thought but in some way that meant I abandoned my husband, we could not find a workable solution and so he left me, on 4 August 2004 and it is leading up to that anniversary and today I was awash in memories and grief about that too. .. I was missing him today and thinking of how, after we met, things in my life came so good, I got a couple of jobs I really enjoyed, we were connecting with others, I started going to AA and Al Anon and adult child meetings but things came unstuck in the UK with his family and then the pull of all my families trauma bought me back home in 2002 and 3 and I could not move back to my home town, I kept us in limbo at the coast and that was so bad for us both, so in the end he took care of himself and left but I stayed bonded to dysfunctional family and its taking a lot of time to unravel those tangled threads in my life of love and need.
It is tempting to think all the good is behind me but its just not true.. I have worked on myself a lot since then and I am getting much deeper insight into my patterns as well as the underground feelings of longing and unresolved grief my inner child carries, reaching right back to the age of 3 when my beloved older sister and surrogate Mum left Australia.
I see how I defend against feeling my child’s pain if I lash out at others and make them responsible for me feelings.. It is my inner adult that must take care of my child and reading a poignant chapter in the book Inner Bonding about a couple where the man blames the woman due to his own unprocessed damaged childhood really shows me what I underwent with my last partner Phil. And if Scott is genuine he has been making me into the savior as well and it JUST IS NOT MY ROLE. Much as it hurts to move out of the pattern the price of growth is often pain and then healing of the pruned off part…
I always found it hard to have plants in my garden pruned due to this kind of scream I would feel to see part of their vibrant life cut off but until a plant is lovingly pruned it cannot bush up and grow more abundant eventually when the inner force of nature at the right time pushes forth new growth. This is a profound metaphor for transiting retrograde Saturn.. the pruner and reaper… Saturn also reminds us we reap what we sow out of unconscious pain and childhood wounds, but we do have the power, courage and strength now to face them .. so all of this grieving is good.. its inner healing work and I know in time it will pass. and I will be all the stronger for it.. I just need to cooperate with my loving higher power’s plan for my soul healing. If I defend against and try to project my pain onto others or allow them to do this without taking care of my child no healing or growth or true change can happen..
Emerging From The Dark Night 