Why we try harder and harder and self reject.

I just read such a moving piece of writing on abuse and where it takes us.. inside the need to stay trauma bonded, kept pinned there by the desire to be seen, held, cherished and noticed was the deep hunger emotionally absent parenting can leave us with and then to be made vulnerable to someone who only SEEMS to offer it.. Then the self blame as it is almost impossible for a child to know they are not the cause of what was done to them and so they try harder and harder to please, while somewhere deep inside becoming emptier and emptier. and all along deep inside there is no loving support to hold that desperate child and her needs as the person is just so so vulnerable at that age, lacking as they do necessary psychological protections.

Even though I have not been sexually abused I really understood the wanting in this post, the hurting and the self blame as well as the profound vulnerability..For as children our consciousness is vulnerable.. We may deeply sense something happening to us is wrong, it is bad for us, it is hurting us but there may be another part that has to deny this, has to put those thoughts and feelings aside.. but do they ever really go away until we face them?

It is only as an adult that we can show up for the child that was abused, and we need a lot of therapy, some of us, as the parental absence and loss of self that leads to the adoption of a ‘bad’ false self is set up so early. We need an incredible amount of validation in therapy in my experience.. Therapy will give us a place to explore the wound, writing and sharing about it slowly takes it out of our system.. That said the implicit trauma lies buried in the cells and in the two nervous systems which in turn affect the endocrine system and often the vagus system that may lead us to collapse and to loose access to our ‘upright’ fight response. I have been reading up about these this week in my book on developmental trauma that addresses the physiological impact written by two therapists and researchers Laurence Heller, PhD and Aline LaPierre, PsyD.

Trauma’s neurological impact lives in our body we cannot just escape its wiring Unpacking it takes a long long long time as we cannot even begin to explore the wound until a sense of safety and trust is set up with a therapist.. These two aspects safety and trust are what so often get broken in developmental trauma, but therapy can give us corrective experiences. Speaking about it, feeling its full impact across every level, making it ‘real’ also so so important..

I salute those who undergo this painful work and feel so grateful that this platform (WordPress) is available to them so we can witness what happens as such traumas are processed..