In childhood we learn how to respond to our selves, our own needs and feelings by how our parents respond both to us and to each other, as well as to any other children.. If we feel connected to, it becomes easier to connect to ourselves, if parents do not take responsibility for their own feelings, needs and pain or make us responsible or to blame then we learn from that too.. We may draw the false conclusion that the only way we can be responded to is by shutting down our needs and feelings, by trying to meet the parents needs or change their feelings or responses (especially if our needs and feelings trigger or anger them) or by putting up with boundary violations even when they do not feel good as the right to say no, push away or protest or express our feelings about certain things is not allowed or punished.. We may also begin to draw false conclusions such as : there is something wrong (or ‘bad’) about me, I can make others love me by pretending or pleasing. Or, I can only be safe if I do not take the risk of reaching out to connect or express myself.
Some of the false conclusions we draw turn into beliefs and we take them into our relationship with ourselves as well as with others. On the narcissistic end of the spectrum we may expect others to meet our needs or place then on others unfairly. We all need some balanced healthy narcissism to know that our own needs do matter and it is okay to look out for them, but not at the expense of others.
On the caretaking/co-dependent end of the spectrum we may collapse our needs, fawn, try to please, drop boundaries, and then later feel depleted, anxious, fearful and resentful. On that end of the spectrum we may feel shame for what is NOT OUR FAULT.. and often someone on the unhealthy end of the spectrum of narcissism will foster that belief due to the anger they feel at not having needs that were not met in childhood met without even being able to own the original wound lies not in the partner but in faulty, absent or neglectful parenting.
Healing lies in connecting to a loving adult inside that we did not have as a child. It involves undoing false belief such as “I am responsible for others feelings”, or “other people are responsible for mine”. It involves knowing who we are, how we feel and what we need and taking steps to meet those needs by our own efforts or by communicating about them in a respectful way.. When the inner adult turns shaming to the Inner Child we suffer from an inward broken connection too..
And as she points out in her book Inner Bonding Margaret Paul says we can either take one or another attitude to what is going on for our self or others in our relationships. We can come from the intent to stay open and loving or alternatively from the intent to protect, close or shame due to our own triggers.. How much we open or close will affect our relationships.. And if a person decides to close to us and be shaming or unloving we must also learn how to cope and realise that that responsibility lies in them.
Co-dependence means not having a healthy idea of what is and is not under our control. We cannot change how others think or feel about us, only they can do that but often unloving behavior will make others defensive.. We can be loving and still not become unhealthily compromising. And we can stay loving to our inner selves and inner child by not speaking to him or her in a destructive, toxic, shaming or needlessly critical way. We can also learn that we do have the power to take care of our needs, to discriminate about what does and does not help us and make our lives more open, free, spontaneous, loving and joy filled.
If, as adults, we have disconnected from our feelings to protect ourselves from pain, then our Inner Adult/Parent has not been loving to our Inner Child. An unloving attitude is either authoritarian or permissive.. in the first case we shame, judge, criticize and control, in the second we vacate, indulge, neglect and even ignore our Inner Child’s true needs and feelings, a permissive response to our pain will allow us to act out the pain on someone else instead of taking care of it ourselves.. Neither attitude helps us to hold what is going on and neither behavior will end up making us feel better in the long run..
In the end it is up to us to take care of what we need and how we feel.. When we abdicate that responsibility then we are not being self loving.. Self love means actualizing our potential and making sure our Inner Child has all that she or he needs to grow in health, love, contentment. It means stopping all of the negative criticizing, indulging,, displacing and/or ignoring and taking positive loving action to help ourselves as well as the risk to reach out and connect authentically with others.
Emerging From The Dark Night 