It is interesting how our angels or Higher Power so often direct us to the things that are meant for our soul.. It has happened to me so much over my own journey for me not to believe in it any more and yesterday morning struggling as I was with the ‘Scott{ issue I was given a prayer by my angels I was told to ask for their power, light, love, healing, wisdom and guidance to flood through every cell of my body, mind, spirit, soul and heart.. I then found a feather on a walk I took with Jasper before going over to see my sister yesterday when I was crying a lot due to the pain I was in. The angels often let you know they are close by the finding of a feather..
When I went to see my sis, yesterday she opened up about the fact she felt lonely.. Since the dilemma of her ECT and the strength it took to stand by her knowing she was following a path that made me fear for her and was not one I would ever wish she followed I have felt the bond between us grow stronger.. I open up to her about a lot of things including Scott and when he tried to get in touch even after I blocked him it made my body all constricted and tight, I was actually crying with the pain and she just reached out and held my hand, in that moment I really felt the love of my sister.. And I spoke to her of how in AA we are told when we know we are lonely to try to reach out from within our isolation, that said we can also REACH WITHIN TO THE LOVING MOTHER OR FATHER INSIDE.
This morning on the way to lunch after therapy I got guided to another Pastor RC Blakes talk, in it he spoke about the subject of women’s individuation.. He spoke of how we often will not have a successful relationship until we find our True Self, vision and place in the world, in fact a relationship we commence running from these may end up not working.. He also began to talk towards the end of this video on the subject of transcending the father wound..He was speaking of how we often bring our father wounds to a relationship and then play them out. For me I also have a wounded relationship with my brother but maybe even my own inner masculine, after all that vision of the man wounded in the shoulder came up in a dream a few weeks ago just before Mercury turned direct again.
It also came up when talking to my sister yesterday how before I got sober I had a lot of powerful dreams of my Dad coming to me in a state of impoverishment and calling me to leave old destructive situations, in the one I had just after getting sober in 1993 i left the place and it burned to the ground behind me.. In another dream I felt his spirit fly in through the window and into my heart and I woke up with grief, that was the first time I had cried for him and it only could happen because I was newly sober.I was also sharing about some of the wounding that happened just after his death when my mother attacked me after secretly reading in my journals that I had had two terminations of pregnancy. She then forced me to go over seas where I buried my pain in booze.
I know now, without a doubt with my transits to the Sun that I am being called on to address this father wound.. Scott became for me someone who could rain down upon me positive feelings and regard after I left that other horrible relationship in 2011 in which I was so often emotionally shredded, diminished, abused and put down.. The problem with Scott was that it was I who had to do the hard work of getting him to be with me.. I emptied myself out financially.. This should not have happened and yet it did and my angels have told me I must not shame myself over it as I did the best I could at that stage in my development.. I thought I was rescuing him but in the end the cost just got to be too high.
R C Blakes talks a lot in the video I watched today about allowing the love of God to be our source at the same time as we seek ways to connect with our divine purpose.. This sense of agency, grounded self love and esteem and individual purpose seems so important to me now.. In my case I feel it may have something to do with my blog and writing and helping to educate others on what I have learned about the inherited problem of emotional neglect.. I was reading today that neglect is far more pernicious and damaging to us that overt abuse, so often we blame ourselves for it as its deeper roots lay hidden. But it is an inherited problem and one that seems to bedevil our society..
Finding ways to heal and speak kindly to ourselves, finding ways to be honest about our deficits and/or arrests; to notice our strengths; taking time to introspect in order to uncover and know who we really were and if and why and how abuse may have led us to try to turn ourselves into someone else just seems to be so so important for those who suffered developmental traumas around the ability to connect, to inwardly attune, trust, to find and have autonomy and to develop our ability to relate sexually with true intimacy…it is painful work but the pain to my mind always serves a purpose. Ignoring the pain or numbing it does nothing, looking for someone to heal it or soothe it also is not the way healing really happens..
And for me it helps to acknowledge that I did and do carry a deeper wound around my relationship with my Dad that I carried into many relationships and let affect my capacity to reach out and develop myself in the world.. For to heal something we first have to acknowledge the existence of the wound.. that seems to be the work in front of me as Saturn backtracks through Aquarius right now and will soon start to transit my seventh house of relationships.. I am going to check out the father wound material on R C Blakes website, I feel sure I have been guided towards it today as it has something to give me for this next part of my journey as I try to put the pain of my difficult experience with Scott over the past 3 years into a clearer perspective.
Emerging From The Dark Night 