I find the videos of RC Blakes’ brilliant viewing at the moment. He speaks of how women’s consciousness of intrinsic self value and ‘queendom’ has so often been diminished and squashed by men. In the one I am listening to tonight (link below) I had a laugh when he spoke of men turning women into pretzels as we seek for their approval.. He also talks of how many fathers fail their daughters in not showering them with enough love or attention and nurturing their precious self hood.. This video really spoke to me and the current wounds I am dealing with.
I finally blocked Scott tonight. He was demanding I put my house up to guarantee a loan to pay the army out. My entire heart and being clenched as he hammered me with this sending horrible gifs when I got upset and then the rage. OH MY GOD. I rue having allowed him to pull me back in two times now…the stress he has put me through, the lack of respect of my boundaries it has been truly horrendous. i have lost all respect for him after he tried to railroad me tonight. Where the hell he expects me to get over 84.000 US dollars is beyond me. In the words of our iconic Aussie movie classic the Castle he needs to be told “he is dreaming.” I had the hugest spin out after it tonight but finally my energy feels clear. This is the categorical end of a disastrous chapter energy and boundary wise in my life. But its done now. Cords cut. Doors blocked. No turning back. He also wanted me to.involve my sister. It made me feel sick.
I look back now in horror at the ways I have let men diminish me in my life and the way I tried to please them.. I cannot count the number of injuries but as R C Blakes says no matter how much shit we have coped in the eyes of God we are still his most precious creation and its only a sick world that makes young women and girls feel so bent out of shape that we try to turn ourselves inside out to fit the idealized molds made by people who have fuck all interest in nurturing or valuing who we really are.
In his videos he is not talking of a false sense of confidence when he speaks about ‘Queenology’ he is talking about us being grounded and earthed in genuine self respect and having a sense of dominion and grounded power over our own lives.. The truth is so many forces try to take us down or control us in this world.. I just look at what has happened to my living sister and how her son has lorded his control over her and diminished her at times and it makes me sick… It makes sense the words ‘broken consciousness’ he uses so much in this video.. This is what a damaging society fed on a masculinized heroic externalist ethos does.. It shows no respect for who we really are and teaches us to become something we are not if we wish to be accepted or belong.. In my opinion its use by date is up but it is still a huge battle a lot of women have on their hands. That said need we prove our worth or value to anyone? No, for in the eyes of our Creator we truly are his most precious creation.
Emerging From The Dark Night 