I have been having intense tantrums with myself over past days They are at times very hard to manage.. I am trying my best to get up and out but also not to run from my feelings as listening to the Inner Bonding videos as well as re-reading parts of the book highlights how often we run from our bodies and feelings in this culture. . We develop defenses too, and these can prevent us from seeing things clearly.
This week the hateful inner critic is beating me up for not moving out of this cold house early last year when I had a chance but then I remember the pressure put on me to make a decision about it there and then and how that kicked into some aspects of my Complex PTSD shame about freeze or paralysis and I see it is all more complex than my inner shaming judge or critic makes out..
So today after its fortnightly clean, I have been going through the place trying to bag up some things to take to charity seeing over the 10 years here I have collected so many clothes and books and other trinkets and things.. Really how important is it that I off load this stuff? I do not know but shedding some clutter and other worn out stuff does feel good, just have to be careful I do not offload some things I may regret.
I have also been having crying spells and outbursts of rage over knowing if this Scott thing is real or a scam, in any case I did not take the steps to have good boundaries in March when my brother finally released me some money. I allowed Scott to convince me that the only way I could save him from deployment to Iraq was if I helped and now he is trying to say they paid him for this on June 21st. I then took on the blame for not helping sooner.. its just crazy.
Last night, I just cut contact, as we was mentioning ‘help’ again.. I told him in the early hours of Thursday that he has to take responsibility for his own life and choices then I get these gifs of a man lying in bed saying “I am dying!” Well welcome to my world and I have given and given to this guy not only money to get out but for a new phone and food and medications he claims he could not afford..I see with glaring clarity how co-dependent I have been and how self sacrificing and he plays on that by letting me how good, kind and brilliant I am but part of me is screaming inside (and waking at 3 am screaming “give me back my fucking money!!” as I experience all of this inward push pull energy and feel like I am trying to expel toxic shit from my body.
I am just hanging all of this out there in my blog.. Its not only Scott pulling on me, it’s my sister, I have to clear her mail box and if she needs anything get it for her, part of me doesn’t mind and wants to be connected but part of me gets pissed off too and wishes she would be a bloody adult not a needy boxed in shut down little girl in an adult’s body, and then the two parts of me fight each other and I have an inner argument.. .. With the Sun Mercury Venus and Jupiter as well as the South Node in the house of relationships. this external place is so often where I put my focus but with the Sun square to Neptune the unavailable father/masculine strength is where I experience my achilles heel and that was shown the dream of the wounded man a few weeks ago.
Then with the Uranus and Pluto and North Node in the first the desire for separation and individuation screams out and those screams are becoming more intense now that both Mars and Venus are in the very early part of the first house.. I imagine by the time they hit Uranus I truly am going to combust on some level. And then when they shift into Virgo and opposes Chiron and conjunct Pluto I will really have to transform and die to an old pattern.
Anyway Jasper and I got out to the newly opened and refurbished dog park today.. They took out a lot of old trees and put down grass. I miss the ramshackled feel of the old park but i must admit its an improvement and lots of newly planted trees are there and will, in time grow up to bring more shade for summer.. We then went down by the lake to ground on the earth and I stood under those lovely old trees and saw how far their roots extend under ground.. there is something so beautiful about how a tree stands grounded and it can be a good meditation and energy clearing for me as an empath to be near them, the dog park can be problematic sometimes if we get too caught up with some energies.. I did cry a lot in the car on the way home but I feel better for it now.. maybe a lot of old emotions are clearing as I finally try to let go of Scott.
Writing my blog is settling and calming for me.. I feel far better having pulled back from Scott.. The K Moon video said we may pull away from partners to get distance.. I am not going to let my energy be bound up in a paralysing situation any more.. I spoke lovingly to myself this morning and its true my inner child is feeling a lot of anger.. She is angry at adult me for when I do not listen and shame her, but she also needs boundaries at times because her caring heart and longing to find love outside of herself so often gets her in trouble and leads to self abandonment. I am going to join the Inner Bonding community again.. its helpful to be around others also working to be more loving of themselves and seeking to be honest about and work through their co-dependence issues. and this deep loneliness and difficulty I have had in connecting with others at depth since moving home has played a part in me being far far too vulnerable, open and giving with Scott.
I have to work on building up the part of me that feels complete inside and can reach for universal love through inner guides and a deeper connection to spirit or higher power.. I have to find the affirmation from within, most of all… other wise I am just too vulnerable to others and not in a good way, I really really see that now, my boundaries have been a big mess, truly all over the place.
Towards the end of K Moon’s video she actually talks about us taking on the wounds of others and that this pattern must now end for many of us. If you missed that link I am including it again below.
Emerging From The Dark Night 