So much emotion

So much emotion rising up like an ocean yesterday in therapy, lately I cannot read my previous days blog/journal for too long before breaking down in tears, I pause more and get into my body more these days. Sometimes I get up and move around Kat’s small room as I describe the context of old memories and then today I shared two very emotional songs I have shared here, Matt Corby’s Manchester Cathedral performance of Miracle Love and the Amsterdam performance of Haevn’s The Sea.. I was also singing in therapy and sometimes Kat seems like a remote observer, after I left I even shamed myself for so much sentiment that poured out but singing opens my body and I did get shamed for singing and dancing too much as a kid by older parents and siblings.. Also these songs as well as the idea of Europe and how earthy and connected to my roots it is fills my heart to the brim with both longing and sadness as Dad was from Holland and my ancestors from Cornwall…

I also thought of the ancestral ocean of feeling while listening to the lyrics of Haevn’s performance of The Sea. Lately as I do my PTSD breathing in the bath and struggle to get moving I sing parts of it over and over.

Lately, sometimes I feel emotions flowing through me that seem not to be only my own.. I get visions of things and then all of this flood. it just breaks through… Well Venus is still in early Leo in the 12th house and Mars is so so close to the ascendant and with that square to deep Scorpionic Neptune it is no wonder I feel waterlogged at times. Not to mention the Sun in Cancer right now..

See to me the planets and their energies are not just concepts or ideas, I feel them.. On Sunday in the thick of the build up to the Moon cojoining Uranus in Taurus and squaring Saturn in Aquarius so much exploded out and it was not just anger but it was white hot scalding rage.. I put a lot of into cleaning the house after making Jasper yelp from brushing him too vigorously, and just after that (and before the cleaning blitz) i went out as the rage was at confinement (Mars squaring the Moon too at that point as well as Saturn and Uranus) and was just so so huge and my ancestor Thomas keeps coming through saying how much he hated being a father to 16 kids and was just overwhelmed.

I heard an author share the other day a belief that a daughter’s rage often sits on top of her mother’s unfelt rage.. I was also reading some more chapters in Untamed by Glennon Doyle but I got a bit triggered when she was focusing on the need for daughters to see their mothers making it in the external world, I hate it if mothering is diminished, as it so often can be in this heroic egoic society but still I get the message that female happiness is important and so often we loose it in our quest to self sacrifice due to the power of collective conditioning.

At times i am getting huge nocturnal bursts of rage as well over the pressure Scott put me under over money particularly since March of 2020 when we reconnnected after a five or six month break. I told him today I want my money back but there is no word, its the weekend there and he cannot text from Sunday morning to Monday evening…he should be getting out but my frustration is really leaking out sideways at present.

When I think of how confined and hamstrung my traumatic injuries made me, how fearful of travelling it burns me.. I wanted to go to American in 2005 but that stupid woman I was lodging with talked me out of it then decided they wanted me out of the place anyway, I had a friend in the States that really wanted to help me and for me to visit. In the end others opinions and my own lack of courage and assertive power squashed and confined me but maybe for a purpose.

Past is past so I have to put this stuff in the past.. I have to focus on the now while not denying the full impact of the past years of stuckness and anguish especially around family mental and physical illness because when my thinking begins to gear down into the negative groove of things not working out, I lose the perspective that all of these experiences were bound to be part of the imperfect messy path I was walking that had so many spins, round abouts and left lane detours that took me into very foggy places it took a while to find my own way out of. Then I am starting to look through the glass half empty perspective and any positive possibilities just disappear into thin air..

I have heard it said in The Course in Miracles that a miracle is a shift or change of perspective, the Course also reminds me I can see through a fear/lack or alternatively a hope/fulllness perspective.. The sad thing about trauma is that is limits our perspective to the former. It keeps us stuck in endless repetitive feedback loops and it then does not lead us to any new destination at all, and as long as fear continues to grip us and try to convince us the present will be just like the past we cannot get free.

Lately I am feeling there are most definately more positive ways of focusing as well as more productive ways of acting and reacting. And then, often I may find myself surprised to see a light dawning upon a new vista that is not anything at all like the old. Then I feel myself to be very close to a clearing which holds the pregnant possibility of an entirely new present, unlike the past one of trauma that continued to dog me for so so many years, as long as it continued to remain frozen and deeply unconscious.

On the wintery foggy days like today I get captured for a while, but today I did positive grounding things like lighting a fire and eating early. I also listened to a lovely programme in aboriginal arts and languages, I loved how the woman interviewed spoke about emotion and embodiment. Its what we need more of in our, at times, detached society. Today again I found my glimpses of sunlight on the overcast foggy day. And there was no anger at all, only peace and more insight after its passing