Trauma creates fractures, inner trauma and inter-relational trauma leaves holes and deficits which can become cavities… As I gain a more elevated perspective on my own family trauma I can see where the tearings erupted from 1979 to 1985 and beyond and then knowing the ancestral story more now I see how it was a manifestation of earlier tearings too..
I woke today knowing Scott will probably be out of Africa in a few days, no one can know what an epic battle it has been to find the means to help him, at times I shamed and judged myself for this but today I see it was all part of my journey, in some deep way it resonates with the sadness that came through from my great great grandfather Thomas’s loss of his own mother at 12 and his separation from his father too, by immigration in the land of the long white cloud (New Zealand) so far from his home in Cornwall..
So interesting that I replayed that theme of going away from family as well following a death (but of my father, not my mother.) Being alone with that grief as well as my own PTSD from the crash and being a bystander to Judith’s aneurysm and abandonment was huge for me. throughout those years 1980 to 1993. I had no safe space, no solid ground, it was all high seas and denoted emotional underground explosion.. I was a errant satellite flung so far from home but angels put people around me… I see that now
Today I see how much I have struggled to be there, to try to heal the wounds of the absent mother and father.. I cannot judge anything I did any more or Scott for asking for so much help so he can support me, maybe it is all fated in some way and only time will tell but this bond between us forged over the past 3 years of trying to meet and being blocked by various forces both in the family and externally is interesting in terms of the idea of twin flames.. Sometimes I think its all a bit out there but the way he has continued to love me even when I lashed out accusing him of being a scammer has been incredible.. and the way my sister failed us by failing to help at that critical time and then fell ill again is so interesting to me… I cannot help but see it as all interconnected..
We had a long chat my sister and i the other day about not feeling safe in the world.. For my Mum I think she had to struggle alone so hard and success rested for her on working her fingers to the bone and putting on a good appearance, but the appearances belied the inner woundings and deep insecurity of being raised fatherless following the death of her Dad from war injuries.. Dad also has father loss as I have shared, he lost his Dad at the same age as Thomas lost his mother. Deep in my heart and wisdom soul I know that hidden grief drove Thomas he ended up isolated and alone and that has been the core sentence theme in my life and the lives of both sisters. For some reason that curse has not affected my brother as much although he does have an emotionally distant relationship with his wife, they live in different parts of the same state even though they are still married, she is not a warm person and carries her own mother loss (in fact I am sure her mother also died when she was only 12 and she was sent to boarding school, so that is why she chose to be aloof and judge our family of sisters.)
I called my bro the other day just to say hi and he sounded so lost to me.. I am not blaming him anymore. I see why he is as he is.. I just want to love him but its hard to love someone who does not give much back as they are emotionally avoidant, and maybe its a male thing, he buries himself in work to find a safe space.. I keep trying with him.. but sometimes I just feel sad and empty after we talk. He has so many buried emotions so I want to stay soft and warm…
Today I rose after a lovely chat with Scott, the military are doing all of the clearance checking and sorting of his military records prior to his release, a signal will be sent and the plane will come it takes 17 hours from America to Africa, fingers crossed he will be home by late next week if all goes well.. Even if it doesnt there will be a way through..
He keeps thanking and thanking me and saying I am the best thing that ever happened to him, at times this situation with him has felt like my worst night mare.. to be honest.. and yet maybe it was God given, I just do not know yet.. there is so much to learn about each other in real time and so I must take it all a day at a time and not forward project any more. even if we dont become lovers we will be firm friends cause we both went through our own wars together and we both lost our Dad’s at 23.
I will go to see my sister today.. I have somethings she needs to take to her, I feel more separate from her pain now.. I see we both did the very best we knew how to after my marriage ended, there were times she drove to the coast to be with me when I was struggling in that painful relationship with my last partner.. She did not always know how to reach me and often I pushed her away.. sadly.. I see so much more now.. the truth is no one was the good or bad guy in the scenario, true my sister does diss my liveliness and emotional expression at times but that only makes me feel sad for her now, so often she tells me she wishes she could be excited or sad but the years and years of drugs and shock treatment have numbed her sadly.. She would not hear there was another way, I did try, but it all fell on deaf ears.
Today I thank God for my sobriety.. a day at a time I have stayed sober for over 26 years now and I have not had to pick up a medication apart from the occasional panadol.. I have had my higher power, reading, therapy, 12 step groups, friends, my blog, my dog and the solid ground of my own emotions and body carrying buried truths I so long learned to run from, fear and deny.. Thanks be to God I do not have to live in non expressive denial for one more single day and I have someone in my life who opens their heart to me and always loves me unconditionally,… how lucky am I? So so lucky!!!
Emerging From The Dark Night 