When something goes wrong with basic trust.

Ideally in life we have a basis of trust that enables us to engage with others in healthy ways, but if thete is early damage or a void in terms of our attachment issues from babyhood and there was no one reliable and responsive and attuned in a consistent and helpful way this sense of basic trust may never be built into us. On Monday in therapy Kat and I were talking of it as an inner scaffolding that enables us to stay upright within ourselves as well as order and make sense of our emotions.. And also, perhaps, to fight or resist or shut down when we sense unsafety or danger.. Sadly some parents never help their kids to develop a sense of basic safety or trust or help then with developing thesenecessary boundaries,. in my life it was numerous painful bodily invasions and accidents that happened not due to my parents not loving me but due to them just not being there or even NOTICING what was going on with me..

Both my Mum and Dad had emotional neglect issues from their own childhood..Mum was not mirrored or held well and that theme of holding has meant all three of her daughters have had their own kind of spin outs, injuries or collapses. Thinking deeply about my sister, I see the reason she never takes control of her own life for long before collapsing and needing to be held by the hospital she goes to for her numerous stints of ‘care’ as all tied up with this. She may come out and function for a while if she can be do do doing all of the time but if she has to be and sit with her feelings without running or having them medicated living becomes for her just too problematic. And I know from struggling with my own issues around drugs alcohol and food how we often look to these things as containers when the absence of inner care or an active loving inner foundation is absent.

Lately its sad but freeing to see how unsafe I have felt for a lot of my life.. Maybe it was one of the reasons I ran from the UK in 2001 and from breaking free and moving forward then.. Then on the second attempt four years later in 2005 I had yet another accident that undermined my ability to feel ‘safe’ and held enough again… So those tears I cried yesterday make sense but it will do no good to blame myself for WHAT I WAS NOT YET CAPABLE OF AT THE TIME. Sadly I did not yet have that inner sense of safety and strength to call upon.

It is said that as Mars transits the 12th house we get to see all of our ‘mis-steps’ or ‘mistakes’ made what I think we DO GET TO SEE IS THE WHAT WERE THE ACTUAL CONSEQUENCES OF OUR CHOICES AND ACTIONS MADE IN BOTH CONSCIOUSNESS AS WELL AS UNCONSCIOUSNESS. So a 12th house Mars transit may bring us suffering but it may also show us a lot of hidden things in us thar stand in our own way..

This house is often known in astro parlance as ‘the house of self undoing’. Getting this glaring insight into our emotions driving actions may also have to do with the Moon having eclipsed the Sun a few days ago.. This particular eclipse was what is know as an Annual Solar Eclipse, so when the Moon effectively blots out or covers the Sun for a period during it, in an annular eclipse a halo of solar light is still visible.. this goes to show that this eclipse occurring in the sign that rules our mind and perceptions will bring some light in the midst of darkness.. it seems to be this way over past days.. The dark things I am being shown at times feel painful but as soon as I face the pain I then get the lesson better than hiding out in unconsciousness.

There is another saying in 12 step recovery circles.. ‘We cannot heal what we cannot feel’ so feeling is the light dawning from behind the emotions as we get to make sense of them and release them, only in this way can we choose to accept and make peace with them to then make it possible for new actions, ways if being and connecting and expressing (all Mars issus). In recovery circles we say this is how emotional and psychological and well as spiritual growth proceeds in exactly this order

Awareness of our past and part in things as well as the part others played.

Acceptance even of the most difficult things occurring all aa part of our forward soul evolution and growth.

Action. In ne ways building in a sense of growing trust as we learn who and what we can trust in and depend upon, as well as all the areas where we do not have ultimate control.