I’ve been drawn to listening to this classic song by Frankie Valli a lot lately..
I love the energy of the adoration spoken about in this song, it speaks of not only appreciating someone but of seeing their beauty and specialness, not even needing to touch the person just wanting to bask in their sunlight. Then today in therapy Kat was telling me an interesting thing, that the first psychotherapist to believe in the importance of the child’s need to be seen and appreciated in the eyes of the parents and given a place to shine in a positively narcissistic way was Heinz Kohut. I am not very familiar with this theories on self (or positive ego) psychology but it did strike me that his belief that the recognition and giving of positive, loving and affirming attention to the emerging of the nascent seed of Self in the child came to prominence during the 1970s. (See link below)
https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/self-psychology
Excerpt :
Narcissism is a normal part of child development, according to self psychology theory. Children may often fantasize that they have superpowers and/or see their parents as omnipotent; Kohut believed such childhood experiences should be encouraged as over time, children generally begin to recognize that their inflated perceptions of the self and their parents are unrealistic. Children who are growing up in a supportive environment are typically able to weather the resulting frustration and disappointment and develop a healthy degree of narcissism, leading to a secure and resilient sense of self.
This is in the decade following the one I was born (the 1960s when the North Node occupied the sign of Leo for the early years of 60s, as Uranus transited through its final degrees) In that generation we seemed to suffer being told things that were dampening to the ego things such as “don’t have tickets on yourself”, “it is better to be seen and not heard” or “don’t get too big for your boots” as if to feel good about yourself was in some way a crime, or the seeking of attention was not a good thing. However, a young child needs attention, empathy, mirroring and assistance in emerging as themselves and when this is actively thwarted or blocked it causes us a lot of damage as well as arresting of healthy ego development.
What also interests me is the fact that many of my parent’s generation seemed to have suffered a lot of wounding and deprivation to the joy filled child in their own lives, being punished in some way or just downright abandoned, neglected or ignored. Both of my parents were born shortly before the depression and had a parent who fought in War and died or was injured (the fathers and grandfathers)..That generation (born in the 1920s) had Neptune in Leo which is the sign ruled by the Sun and represents our need to shine as a unique soul and spirit in the world.
Then during the time of the outbreak of World War Two the planet of death, transformation and destruction began to pass through Leo and transit across that natal Neptune of this generation.. This generation (born in the 1920s and 30s) also gave birth to baby boomers (born in the 1940s to 50s) who carrried this placement (Pluto in Leo) and as these youngster’s matured the need of the Self to shine became even more important and so the ‘me’ generation was born.
For myself being unseen as a child and left alone a lot due to my parent’s absence (as well as their distance from their own inner children) meant I never got to feel that special or important at all which, as Kat explained today, is very critical for a certain period in childhood development when a healthy ego (as opposed to a damaged one) is forming… Lately I see a lot of my own psychological work has to do with coming into a right relationship with an ego that is not as attacked from within through self criticism and hostile perfectionism/persecution and feels it has a right to shine without feeling guilt (my own Sun is square to natal Neptune in Scorpio which can be an undermining self sabotaging influence that veers towards a fawn/collapse or a savior role in order to try and be seen).
I just wanted to share these thoughts tonight.. My parent’s generation also had Chiron in Aries in trine to Neptune in Leo, and Chiron is once again transiting through this sign right now.. here there is also a wound to individuality in many ways and there may be issues around the planet Mars which rules action, assertion and aggression, we may have to do a lot of work later in life to work through patterns that disallowed the expression of healthy boundaries, fight and assertion. Such a wound may make someone too subservient or even resentful of being suppressed. As Chiron passes through Aries (it’s at 11 degrees right now) there will be an impulse to break free and these may be issues some of us are working on, at the same time as we struggle to accept that other’s have the right to individualize in their own way, in alignment with their own best interests and inner desires, while still trying to remain co-operative on other levels with human beings.
We all carry that need to be seen and loved as our true Self and not to have to change our shape in order to fit in, be appreciated or belong, later in life our work most often lies though, in learning to find ways to give this to ourselves especially if develop an ego that is more dysfunctional wounded or becomes a wounding pattern playing out within ourselves or in our relationships with others.
Emerging From The Dark Night 