With Uranus in Taurus right now and Saturn squaring it from Aquarius i cannot help but think a lot about our split between the body (and emotional/soul/embodied psyche) and the head.. Aquarius is air and Taurus is earth and strongly relates to Venus and beauty and containment and nature.. When I am out in nature I can feel that holding so absent for me as a child.. I can be with a tree and connect to its spirit and strong sense of authenticity as well as grounded stability, in fact my Higher Power where i took shelter in my earliest years of sobriety was a huge old Moreton Bay fig with strong deep roots that’s home was on the bands of Sydney Harbor in the Eastern Suburbs.. Here I felt safe and could attune to my soul as all of the tumult of my life was with me and I was taking my first steps to become more conscious and turn old patterns around.
Mum and my ancestors have been much on my mind lately with Mars in Cancer in the 12th house and I feel more of a connection to her Great Grandfather (they never met as my Great Grandmother left New Zealand with my Grandmother at some stage) even though Mum was born two years before Thomas died.. It was Thomas whose own mother died when he was 12 living in Cornwall, by the time he and his wife emigrated to New Zealand he slowly became the active alcoholic.. His wife, Eliza Jane had to be strong and tough, the family knew such deprivation and when Eliza left Thomas they turned to the Maori’s for help with food. .My Nana would always back one of the New Zealand horses in the Melbourne Cup due to the fact she came from there and after my sister crashed and had her aneurysm her husband took her to the land of our ancestors. He had another woman waiting for him over there and then at some stage he had my sister put into an asylum and then sent her back to us with a one way ticket after which she tried to take her life as he also absconded with their four sons and my sister was shattered. It would be many years before she would see any of them again.
When she made her suicide attempt in 1982, my father was oblivious.. It is such a dark time in our family history, following this there were many psychotic breaks and things like fires lit and my older brother stepped in to clean up the mess after my Dad died, the same thing repeated in the life of his daughter who my sister in law wanted to have nothing to do with my sister.. her brother, my nephew, also stepped in when this history repeated some time in the early 2000s.
The darkness in my feminine history is tough.. Seeing my other sister so close to psychosis on Sunday was so frightening, I could see the same theme coming to pass in her life.. and sometimes when I get into a fragmented state I fear for myself. That said I have been able to contain a lot of it and try to make sense of it via therapy but the awesome and powerful pull of the patterns often scares me.. No relationship has lasted for me or either of my sister’s it really does feel like a terrible family curse at times and each time Scott and I have tried to be together something blocks it.. similar in my sister’s life.. In 2020 she was really moving forward but the dark force got a hold of her around July last year again and she is the worst she has ever been lately. Its why I am trying to step up as much as I can for her right now.
To be honest I would go mad if I did not have therapy, Jasper and nature, also my writing.. I cannot go to the psychiatrist and talk of all this family history spiral as they will not understand… and I have to be measured with some people but my sister and I do talk about it.. I had the sense today of being held by a lovely tree and along our walk to the oval and parks near the older part of town today.. We tried to connect with some other dog owners but one of the mini daschunds got a bit spooked and started barking.. That scared me a bit. Maybe he felt a presence or something or maybe he was just being territorial.
I came home to my house and felt grounded in the present though.. It is important to me that as much as I write about the past I do not live there.. I am listening to a lot of Eckhart Tolle lately and he reminds me that grounding in the present moment and witnessing presence is the healing antidote to run away neurotic ego and anxiety.. When the old scripts and pain that wants to keep me down comes calling lately I try to answer back and am firm.. I will continue to use nature as my refuge, as a place I can touch base with the mother and with Venus.. there is a beauty there and a witnessing presence.. its hard to articulate but it heals me and it also connects me to my soul.
Maybe I am a shaman on some level, I thought about that today.. I travel between the upper and lower worlds and so often feel set apart.. I get strong psychic/intuitive insights and urges at times.. that also makes sense with Mercury and Venus now both in the sign Gemini as mercury was able to travel both above and below ground.. When my sister slips back into that dark place I will try to be her earthly anchor in the present, other wise the lure of the ancestors may just prove too strong for her fragmented psyche right now.
Emerging From The Dark Night 