it hurts

at this time of night so cosy at home I feel so much sadness for my sister.. thinking of the cold room with no carpet they have moved her into and of how alone she is and of how little beauty there is around her my heart breaks completely. Today I was sharing with her of the one time Mum came to therapy with me when I was seeing another therapist about a year into moving back to my home town and she said how when Nana left her as a little child to go to work at 6 pm not returning until 9 she had to put herself to bed and there was only a stone she warmed in the fire that had to be wrapped up in a blanket to keep her warm. Her Mum and Dad and she had moved to this town that was under construction and had no family and her father had died when she was only 7.. it was such a lonely childhood for Mum and to think my sister is now in such a depleted state and cold place with all these detached ‘nurses’ around her just breaks my heart. That said my Mum did have family in Victoria to go to and yesterday my sister told me of the holidays she had there and of how on Friday nights she went to Nana and Poppa. Poppa died when I was only one and I never got to know him, but the family did take me to the hospital when he was dying and he loved seeing me.. At an astrology lecture in London in 2001 I remember Liz Greene asking me who died when I was only a baby as with the focal Neptune in Scorpio in the third house she felt I had absorbed so much collective emotion and grief.

People say its up to my sister to pull herself out of this but what if she cannot handle the pain of living alone in my Mum’s old unit? I cant seem to talk to many family about it.. people are quiet cut and dried about the need for her to get up and getting living, but she lacks the resources and people who ARE ACTUALLY LISTENING TO HER HEART EVEN IF IT CANNOT SPEAK THROUGH HER MOUTH ONLY THROUGH HER BODY.. More than ever now I need to listen for her heart as she is so alone and in so much neglect right now. its like my older sister’s situation and the older son moving back only seems to have made things worse not better as he cannot meet her in a fragmented state, due to his own defences.. that is all, also show in the current astrology..

I will spend as much time with her as I can but I am on the run lately especially today.. I have my appointment with the cancer surgeon today but luckily today, for the first time in weeks, Jasper and I managed a long morning walk via the shops where we connected with about four separate people. Oh, and I got a lovely book for only 10 dollars from the reduced stand on the Ravenmaster at the Tower of London.. sooo Plutonian.. cant wait to get my teeth into that and share about it in a future blog..