Gravitational force field

The gravitational force field that keeps pulling me to my sister seems to not let up.. I was flooded this morning by ancestral things.. It felt all a little bit out there but the words ‘the quality of mercy is not strained’ came to me at the same time as my great great grandfather was crying about the pressure of having 16 mouths to feed and the wish he could just live his life for himself.. It came like a bolt out of the blue.. then there was a lot of wild Leo energy around..

Out of concern for my sister I make the trek over to see her again.. It was disturbing but in a very different way today, she hardly acknowledged me when I entered the room and she looked so shrunken and even angry.. I kind of freeze when I encounter her like this. It reminds me of Perseus being petrified by the Gorgon’s Head in that Greek Myth and Uranus is smack bang opposite her Saturn In Scorpio right now.. She just seemed so shut down, shrunken and cold. I had told her a family friend wanted to come with me later in the day to visit her, but I was not sure if it was a good idea. “Good!’ , she said.. “I don’t want to see her.” And that is perfectly her right but it just seems to me there is no love in my sister’s heart for anyone or anything right now, (and when I asked her who she feels love for she said angrily and flatly… “no one!”

At the same time she wants my help with getting things done, like her Apple phone decided to freeze and that involves a trip into town to get it looked at and a long wait at the Apple shop. She wants clothes, but is not willing to come with me to choose them, and she is so particular if you do get things they are usually never right.. been through this so many times now.. I just told her I would help with the phone but not today.. its a long trek over there and I had things to get on with at home.

She told me she knows she is very ill.. I cannot deny it at present, I left there and just broke down completely over lunch, but what really gets to me I feel all this emotion and she feels none at all, its very hard, and it was also hard to tell our friend she does not want to see her but Betty is so kind it didn’t phase her at all, and maybe there is a good reason.

Anyway Jasper and I got out for a lovely afternoon walk through the park and oval, and he ran his little heart out and rolled around in leaves and looked so sweet in the car with autumn leaves in his right ear.. He is my peace and joy and I cannot help but feel the truth of God being Great Out Doors, because as soon as we got into the fresh air I felt immediately better. The sad thing about my sister is she stays locked in that room day after day after day.. She is not sleeping or eating and I firmly believe she is not getting the right kind of help.. but beyond that I do not know what to do. Part of me is glad I went today, part of me was horrified by the energy I felt in her of such emotional shut down and coldness. I could not help but think of all of Marion Woodman’s writings on the addiction to perfection. She speaks often of the Gorgon’s head..

My Mum had the capacity to be able to freeze you with a look or a flare of her nostrils, often as kids when we saw this happen we knew there could be trouble soon.. often involving the wooden spoon.. Its so scary to see this energy around my sister.. Its a relief to get the hell out of there to be honest.. I have such conflicted feelings around her, what is the point of all of the crying I do, at the moment I must confess to be at a loss. I just know I feel happier in my own company.