I cried in a different way on the drive home from seeing my sister today.. I felt the longing to be connected we both must have felt, coming from different perspectives and birth positions in our family.. I thought a lot about how it is to be the youngest, to have had the loving gaze of an older sister (the one who died) but for her, too, have been struggling with emotional regulation and addiction issues.. I also thought how comforting it was just to be WITH my sister in that warm room today, my house being so cold at this time of year. ..
Sometimes my birth family seems cold, I just think by the time I came along it was all geared outwards rather than inwards and being left alone a lot and not being attuned to meant I also struggled to find a place to really attune within myself, it also made trusting others could connect with me hard. But at times with my sister even though I have to work hard to get to meanings and talk about how we all disconnected in different ways, at times a kind of connectedness or warmth does come. My sister also told me she did not take the calls of those two people who tried to connect this week as she finds one of them dictatorial and that she did not feel like speaking to the other one, that leaves them struggling to know where she is at.. my sister could not voice that to them but I got it, so many those who struggle emotionally and mentally can get overpowered by others because its hard for other to see them feeling lost, foundering or vulnerable. As far as the friend who seems a bit hard I see it is because to deal with her own trauma she has had to be strong to support a daughter with mental illness and cannot afford just to collapse or rest as my sister is trying to do right now..
To be honest as wan and pale as my sister looked this afternoon she seemed at peace inside and she even made a comment about the beauty of the trees she looks out onto and the fact that she sees the occasional bunny rabbit. That said as soon as I arrived she told me she has not been feeling well at all..sick with an upset tummy, to be honest I was having my own tummy issues today today and we talked about anxiety can affect our digestive system.. Also if she was not returning calls she was not externalising but maybe for a good reason. We also spoke about loving gaze.. I cried a bit saying how I miss my older sister, my sister understood, I told her what I have read about dogs and eye gazing that if you look into the eyes of a beloved pet for over 20 minutes your oxytocin levels rise, this is the love and good mood regulating chemical. Earlier today I was getting one of those loving penetrating zen stares from Jasper and as usual my heart just melted in love as tears fell.
I am home now and cosy. I got to buy myself a nice lunch out and get some groceries as well as a lovely bunch of yellow roses for my sis.. I took some mandarins as well. I often feel a resistance about seeing my sister before I went a lot of anger about past thing came up but when I drove home crying I also felt how anger has, at times, functioned to keep love I feel and attunement I long for at bay.. There is a saying from A Course In Miracles that all anger or attack is a cry for love. I just am glad to be able to be there in some small way for my sister, even if she cannot reach back easily right now it feels good to allow the love to flow….and to back home safe with my Jasper who always seems to try to see me and connect with me, no matter what kind of mood I am in.
Emerging From The Dark Night 