As another alone Saturday stretches before me with only the prospect of a visit to my sister in hospital my one personal note of connection today apart from a morning text from Scott it is very much on my mind the foundation I came from and there are memories too of how very far away everyone in my family was in terms of togetherness and attachment.. I think there will always be a lonely part of my soul that is not fulfilled by humans. I do not remember being held and loved tenderly at all by anyone and I have been doing some apologising to my poor old body in the bath today as last week I did two injuries and ended up with a massive bruise on my left shin after dropping a frame on my big toe and hitting my head on the garage roller door on Friday last. These injuries seem to be showing the lack of containment as well as the stress my young body carried and that I still do not always manage to calm, however this week gave me greater insight into some of my deepest attachment wounding and longings as well as the fury that can come about when they are triggered.
Listening over the past few days to some of Gabor Mate’s talks on Youtube and compassionate witnessing talks with people who also struggle with addicition and neglect issues shows me I am not alone in this, last night the one I watched was with a man sober 10 years who had a lot of guilt over the way he had raised his children and the emotions he struggled with.. Gabor worked hard to get the guy to see he was doing his best with what he knew.. Sometimes now when I look at my family I see the consequences of so much and today in the bath I actually prayed for every single one and sent them love..At the same time part of me feels myself moving away from all of that longing, maybe I am finally psychologically separating out from it all.. I can care for my sister who is so mentally unwell now and know I can not take that totally on, I feel so deeply for her but I cannot take on the guilt or shame or blame for something I did not create even if at times I think my avoidant style made things harder I have to remember her and my mother together were not the most sensitive and empathic of people to deal with at times they were downright hurtful, harsh and nasty.
I think about that ancestral foundation a lot now with Mars having just gone into my 12th house on Thursday, its in Cancer too and trine to natal Scorpio.. I feel all of the ancestral emotion at times.. I also go sent some new photos of the newest grandniece born last week and it was so lovely to receive them but of course my Mum was on my mind a lot too. I often think that babies born after the death of a grandparent contain a lot of that person’s energy or can. I saw this in my older sister’s grandson’s births.. there was a lot of the banked up assertive energy present in those boys (twins) my sister never got to live..
Today I also need to bring my energy into present time.. Do some things that will feel nurturing to me and my soul.. I know it will not be an easy visit to see my sister.. but I am lucky I can walk out of that place where she is.. I tried to both call and text and she is not replying to me or to anyone else…. I pray for her every single day, and sometimes I cry but I also have to find ways to release these feelings.. truly its not about me.. but I do love my sister… I do miss not having a sister that is capable of showing love and reaching out.. but it does not, necessarily mean that she does not feel it. At times there is just this vast yawning emptiness when I think of family and that no relationship I had could be sustained due to the family issues.. Still my life is far from over, and I am seeing a lot more.. but sometimes it just seems to dark and cold and lonely.. like a frozen empty loveless ice kingdom I trying to do my best to move away from.. to find a glimmer of warmth and hope and light somewhere.
Emerging From The Dark Night 