Appreciation

How often do we truly show appreciation to others in our life? How often do we look for the goodness even when it may seem hard to find?. How often do we compliment.. not to people please or manipulate but to truly notice something lovely about another and how often do we do this to.ourselves? Are the two a reflection of each other?

Ive been having a pretty dark symptom laden day following the outing to see the album Tapestry performed live by Ester Hannaford who played Carole King in the stage musical Beautiful perform it with her band last night. It was tough going getting to therapy at 11 am. I cried a lot during many of the songs so deeply laden with memory and emotion I felt all if my losses and the accidents and cuts and times others cut me and my suffering due to lack of empathy and the bad treatment I often gave myself too as a result. It honestly was a lot of pain to process and even sadder my older sister was invited but could not come. I accept that was meant to be..my tears were for her too and all she has gone through as that album was her favourite and played so often when I was growing up during the 1970s. Memories of my Dad and grief over the cuts that came with his sickness and death. Going so far away..being hurt by others cutting me out when grief was making my behaviour possibly difficult to understand.

The song You’ve Got A Friend broke my heart open wide, made me ask how many times friendship and fellowship seemed so far away or got pushed away due to my own emotional nature.

Sometimes therapy does not cut it. It all seems so wordy such an intellectual process and time runs short I find it hard to meet my therapist’s gaze and take in the caring. I feel the horrendous fear of abandonment that seemed to underlie so much of my anxiety in relationships..especially with women. Therapy is tough somedays and somedays I just think I need movement, action , being spontaneous in life, less analysis…more being with in silence feeling into deeply in nature connecting to Source if that makes sense. Yet another part of me remembers too. That is an old pattern. Just go off alone and only trust the wind, water, stars or sunlight.

It’s a strange day today. I’m missing Jasper but being out means I am.less alone but he is home alone..that cuts me too..that darling dog always watching me..hoping to go.out and explore but me being paralysed in an attack..I feel guilt for my unconsciousness while recognising with the next breath that is judgement.

Life!!! Well I am alive and living even if earlier in Kats rooms I felt the desire to die…. to leave this place of entrapment and suffering. In another frame of mind hope may reappear after the waitress at my Cafe smiles at me after I express appreciation to her. Maybe nothing is set in stone but when gratitude and appreciation flows my heart feels better and my perspective changes …becomes lrss contracted, fearful or alone and separate. As life around me continues to dance..vibrate and to evolve and I allow myself to be defenceless within it

T