I got over to Mum’s unit yesterday in time for the man from the designer Op shop to collect the older couch my sister decided in a different frame of mind to get rid of and replace with an expensive Italian lounge, (a decision she now regrets as she didn’t follow through with the new lounge purchase due to ‘crashing’ emotionally in July last year.) There was a heap of mail there, unpaid bills my sister should be attending to but probably did not want to as Mum said she would leave her the unit but at the moment it is not in my sister’s name, its all very complex this estate business. I noticed myself getting irked over it and wanted to send her text telling her to get it together, then I realised that was not a good idea, she needs compassion at the moment so I sorted all the mail putting all of the mail the was not valid into the rubbish.. On the way home I thought I had locked the keys from the unit inside the unit so I texted my sister and then later rang the caretaker who is a lovely man and was such a great friend to my Mum, over the many years she lived in that building. We had the best chat as he is a very down to earth guy and was worried about my sister as he told me when she went into and came out of hospital no one let him know. My sister is a very private person, especially about her mental health challenges but I know Allan would have been some kind of support.. I told him of all the challenges with my brother and we laughed a bit about how he thinks a new car is more important than other things I really need like now, like some money to eat and cloth myself and pay bills. I did feel so happy after the chat and lo and behold a little while later I found the unit keys at the bottom of the bag I had put the paper rubbish in.
I also got some other good news this week I found out I had some more money in a super account my ex husband started for us back in 1999 than I initially thought, as well as a small amount in the fund I started to contribute when I was back working in clothing retail in 1992.. so being over 57 I am able to claim that if I am no longer working.. Just have to get the forms sorted and hopefully that will tide me over and I may finally be able to help Scott get out.. Fingers crossed.
There are masses of autumn leaves outside that I have been busy working on clearing up today… Its a beautiful time but a lot of a mess which at times triggers me.. Earlier I thought Jasper had run off so I went out calling him and then heard my neighbour Roz calling to me.. We had a brief chat after Jasper turned up groggily coming out of the back yard, he must have been snoozing somewhere and I missed him.. I told Roz the place was in a bit of a mess and she jokingly said “don’t you know the Queen is visiting sometime later this afternoon?” I was like “really??” it took me a while to get the joke, why get in such a state about ‘mess’ it really is only as messy as I decide it is and to be honest my idea of mess is not another person’s.
After we had the chat I remembered how my Mum always tried to shut my older sister down from talking to the neighbours about ‘private family business” after her husband, Ron abandoned her in 1983 and she became suicidal she would go outside in the wheel chair and wail in a very loud voice.. To my mother this was just not the ‘done’ thing. Judy also got in trouble with Omar over in Holland when she was only 6 for telling the neighbours there family business, for some reason this was so strongly on my mind today when I feared I may have overshared with Roz on some of the recent challenges with my family.
I have therapy in two hours.. Kat had a funeral to attend to yesterday and that was perfect timing as it gave me a free afternoon to help with the couch at Mum’s place.. I will drop into the accountants on the way to Kat’s and drop in the bills and receipts.. It feels good to be stepping up to help with some of the family business and not feel ‘put out’ about doing it… this is a bit of turn around for me. I had a big moment of guilt earlier when I recalled telling my sister when she was not well that I could not help her with sorting out all of the things Mum had in the unit indefinately.. it was just at that time so much fell to me with my sister being hospitalised and not being able to express her grief in any way..we had another chat about how she can not cry anymore yesterday and it was a scary scary conversation for me.. after I called her to tell her I had got teg lovely photo of her new granddaughter Ruby…. it was as if my sister were a hard brick wall i just felt stunned into silence while talking to her.. I know that we have often just been such different people and her Saturn in Scorpio on top of my natal Neptune square to my own Mars Saturn Moon has made our relationship a bit devoid of love at times. She always looked down on me any time I expressed any kind of emotions and many of my family used to try to peg me as a ‘drama queen’ or the usual name was actually ‘the tissue Queen!”
There was a radio program on yesterday about periods and marketing of sanitary products exploring how much of the blood and guts of menses was dumbed down and sanitised over the years.. They asked listeners to text or call with their experience of having periods.. I remember when I got my period I did not even know what it was.. Mum and Dad had gone overseas for one of the month long holiday and when I told my sister she scathingly just threw a sanitary pad at me.. that was my introduction to menses.. and that was the start of those terrible dark years in that house number 88 where so much tragedy would befall us.. I look back at myself and see how alone I was emotionally .. how neglected.. but not in a way I could even allow myself to realize at the time.. I actually cried a lot about it hugging Jasper yesterday and today I hugged my inner child a lot.. I also got a vision of my young self petting a lion.. I often get this spiritual vision of my inner child with a Lion.. I would get in trouble for ‘throwing tantrums’ but Kat, my therapist often tells me that anger is the final cry of the true self, where parents cannot actively mediate it we end up getting into all sorts of trouble. I am firmly of the opinion this is the problem with my sister, self assertion or expression for her is somehow blocked and it makes me so sad, and then things come outsideways. I can today count myself lucky I have not had to TAKE ONE SINGLE PSYCHIATRIC MEDICATION EVER.. I thank God I found sobriety and different path out of the dark 28 years ago.. That is a reminder that the Saturn return of my sobriety is on the way soon..
On another note I have been listening to some great talks by Abraham Hicks on You Tube about connecting to Source and inner guidance.. the following one is very helpful..
All in all things are looking brighter following the latest full moon..I am looking forward to the New Moon on the 12th it falls on the empty point of my fixed cross T Square.. Taurus is a very important energy for me. I have had so many very lovely Taurean friends.. I feel so connected when I get close to the Earth and it’s deeply spiritual embodied beauty… and that for me is related to Taurus and its ruler Venus…
Emerging From The Dark Night 