I love the physical experience of laying and lighting a fire.. Mine is blazing away strongly this evening and I have been taking in the atmosphere dancing around the living room while making a lovely meal. I feel so happy inside myself with the fire blazing knowing all is warm and cosy and feeling that whatever happens in the outside world I will be okay.
The fire is a bit of a metaphor for me, the Sun as well lately. The mornings are icy here right now so as soon as I make breakfast I sit out in the sun and eat it, absorbing the warmth into my bones.. it reminds me of how much ‘coldness’ I have lived through in my life, what a hard unsupported life it has been not only due to childhood and all of the trauma I either suffered or witness, but also of how I reacted out of that taking myself away and sometimes only making things harder for myself than they needed to be.. Oh well we see so much in retrospect, don’t we and we have to come to the point of just accepting it was as it was, for me so much grieving along the way and what seems like years of therapy now…
I am feeling the power of these Uranian energies on the Sun, Mercury and Venus right now.. Uranus is in the first house in my chart in the sign of Leo in the final degree, it rules all seven of my Aquarian planets, Sun, Moon and all the others out to Jupiter.. I have always felt a need for ‘freedom’, to go my own way but also a longing for relationships that did not fall apart (my Sun Mercury, Venus and Jupiter are all in the seventh house of relationships), there just seemed to be so much of that along the way on my life journey.. And then when things came together for a time my husband and I had a life together but we were not really deeply connected, intimately, I see that now, although for me it was a gift that relationship, coming when it did.. with Jonathan I got to move away from the place of all my trauma and go to the UK but because I had not processed any of the past I got pulled back here to deal with it.. and I feel I have dealt with it now, as is does not call to me half as much as it used to, and most especially for these past 11 years I have spent back in my home town in Australia, I really have been able to grieve and come to a deeper understanding of how little it was my fault and how much as the youngest I reacted out of that role in an otherwise preoccupied and emotionally absent family..
Today I know the fire of my spirit lives and is alive.. I do think so much of my older sister who was more of a mother to me than my own Mum, saw me more, but crashed and burned in 1980 especially at this time of year which is when she was taken from us.. I am grateful I got the final years to be with her some of the time and could hold her hand on that final night in April 2014 even if she was not fully conscious.. .But lately when I listen to the Tears for Fears song Woman in Chains I cry so much.. especially when they sing the words
And I know, deep in your heart thee are wounds that time can’t heal
And I feel somebody somewhere trying hard to breathe
Breathing was so difficult for me after the head injury in 2005 and after Jonathan left me here alone with my emotionally barren family the year before.. At times I felt I was drowning in the past and was fortunately connected to a spiritual healer in the time I was in isolation at the coast who told me my sister’s diagnosis as bi polar was not correct and that she was carrying ancestral wounds and that has proven to be true.. For myself how all of that ancestral stuff has played out is all wrapped up in the fact of being left 5 times by men I loved and now, loving someone so far away that forces will not seem to let me be with. Part of me feels its a twin flame thing and another part that we are mirrors for each other.. Scott always tells me I am his mirror that my photo is on his homescreen, that I am his joy, peace and happiness.
Today I can feel that love and know the situation is difficult right now, but despite all of this challenge, deep inside myself I am okay, will be okay no matter what happens because after all of these years of suffering I do feel myself to be breaking free even as my older brother is blocking certain paths forward.. I am trying my best to be okay with that and find a way to keep moving forward in love. The fire burning in my heart reminds me I do have power.. and I am a warm person.. I just struggled so so much over so many years with all of that emotional distance and coldness so powerfully described by all of that Uranian energy.. and yet being on the outside also came with gifts and gave me an empathy, compassion, wisdom and insight into humans that I may never had gained had I not struggled so much in my own life. So really despite all of the challenges today I am so grateful to be alive and to be able to light a fire and dance, to feel myself at home within my own life and skin.
Emerging From The Dark Night 