I wrote this post a few months ago.. A lot of the insights emerging I have been sharing in recent posts.. but I wanted to share this.. What I hear in it now is that I was finally beginning to know what it may mean to detach from old patterns and find out how to bring my own soul peace and happiness.
Well what a massive month or two it has been. I woke today in a very new place, seeing things I could not see before, with more of a realization of things I did have in the past, but perhaps took for granted as well as the knowledge that I am now well and truly alone.. And yet even in the aloneness there is connection, there are senses I have of loving presences that I can reach to, especially as worldly connections fail me and I can also realize that others go through this too.. Others get let down, or make mistakes and others find a way through and so can I.
I also am recognizing on any morning and new day there are possibilities to make this day a good one, there are small things I can do to brighten up my day whether spending time in nature, planting things in my garden, reading, educating myself about something new.. Reaching out if that is possible too. And most of me for my mental and emotional health is to watch my self talk and relationship with myself.. I found yesterday I had to do a lot of self forgiveness practice about what has gone down lately in my life, there are mistakes I have made, choices that I now regret but I cannot change a single one.. I allowed someone to influence me and I put their needs first which was not a healthy thing to do. I bowed under to constant pressure and I did not do the most important thing I needed to due to my anxious attachment and unresolved childhood need and that was to detach from the pressure and manipulation tactics.. I did call them out in the last contact I had with the person but listening to a video from Ross Rosenberg on learning to observe and not absorb the toxic or bad things put upon us by a narcissist or other person with a certain selfish agenda helped me last night..
Too often I have allowed myself to get wrapped up in other people’s drama or issues when that was not good for me.. And a lot of it relates back to a childhood where I had to work hard to win attention from unavailable parents…………….I am beginning to realize more and more how important it is that I do not look for that attention or approval from outside.. and that is where I became vulnerable to ‘Scott’, sadly..
Well today is a new day.. I am sleeping better. I slept through from 11 to 4 am which was a brilliant sleep for me and woke with so much going over and over in my mind.. I have been watching a series on Stan called Love Life which I found really interesting, it is about the love relationship life of a young woman, Darby and it traces her struggles back to a childhood with an alcoholic Dad and self absorbed mother.. I liked the insights in it but got very triggered by one of the final episodes in which they left their baby to cry and cry and cry and did not go to soothe the baby.. I just found myself shouting at the screen. I talked to the angels about it earlier today and they spoke of how I often lacked the soothing of my Mum’s comfort, presence and touch, it is something that has left big scars that still influence my life in the now.. And it came up in therapy on Monday after Kat used the words “needing comfort” with me.. Lacking that capacity to inwardly self soothe is a big void to fill and it does take a lot of time in therapy and healing, I am sure it was the primary motivator around why I became an addict… This is where I see my primary work now lies.. I have to keep working on looking to myself for that, rather than to other people..
Slowly I am finding the things that help me to feel ‘better’…. and letting go of the ones that hurt.. often I can only learn what does not work after tolerating a lot of pain and dysfunction in my life…..as my tolerance for that diminishes things can and do change…In the end it really is up to me and what I also find really helps on any day is first thing in the morning to spend quiet time centering within and talking to my angels or higher power.. I also ask God for support on that day and for guidance.. I am learning to look more within for this now… After having been so badly let down by the fake promises of the outside world, offering comfort that was never going to materialize or make me feel better anyway.
Emerging From The Dark Night 