Looking back at the events of the past three years I am questioning everything.. Why exactly was it I continued to put up with an almost untenable situation?. Why was it I could not give up, surrender, let go, allow the hurting that would have eventually led to a release, was my need to be connected to a person who was consistently there just that large that I chose to sacrifice as much as I did? Is it all down to all of that intense fixity in my chart and my Saturn Moon that only feels comfortable with what is tough, remote, not very nurturing? And as I look back I also see it related to my difficulty with self soothing, with being able to parent myself through the loneliness and yet even as a part of me judges myself for that need and says it ‘should’ not have influenced me, in the end I was only human and doing what humans do, longing, trying and hoping.. The more human fact is that when we have another soul we can be held by or feel connected to that may be one of the sweetest things, especially if we come out of a childhood in which so many of those around us were completely remote, almost as if they were living on a different continent or emotionally unresponsive.
Looking back I see critical turning points where I nearly let go.. But then could not.. I kept hoping, trying, giving more and in the end I do not know what for, apart from a learning experience.. and it must be getting a bit boring for some followers of my blog that this issue with Scott is now dominating so many of my posts..
We finally managed to have a relatively involved conversation for about an hour this afternoon.. His times are very regimented anyway, on Wednesdays they go out at 7.30 am and Sundays are also one of their busiest days there.. It seems Boko Haram have been escalating their vendetta and war of pillage and terror over past weeks, it always interests me being in touch with Scott to see that when thing escalate Pluto is very strong. At the moment we are in the thick of the following squares to Pluto in this order : Venus, Sun and Mercury.. Chiron has been strong this month too, in Aries which is Mars ruled and the sign of war. We talked through a lot of stuff and both apologised for our part in the way we have been reacting to one another, but considering the circumstances its only natural. I know he would be upset if he knew I am sharing about it in my blog but this is my only channel out at the moment apart from my therapist Kat, I cannot trust most people I know with this apart from one or two people, everyone else is categorical about who Scott is and they do not believe in him.. Its just a very unfortunate situation that he is with the military….
Anyway as far as further help goes I do not know what else I can do at this stage and my own needs have to come first as I have limited resources left and knowing my brother he wont see that I am taken care of, his default pattern is to avoid and abandon when we need him. He did it to Mum several times but he did front up when she was dying the sad thing was he was all for putting her into a home and if it was up to me I would have liked to take care of Mum in her final years, far too many shitty things go on in aged care here in Australia, we have recently had a Royal Commission into the subject and the findings about both physical and emotional abuse as well as neglect, as well as the overuse of chemical restraints has been nothing short of both heartbreaking and soul enraging..For myself my own lack of receiving empathy has made me even more admant about seeing others I love do not suffer in that way, so even with siblings who check out I get it, I keep reminding myself its not up to them to help me if they do not want to. Its just the way this particular cookie crumbles.
Emerging From The Dark Night 