wising up

I got myself into such a state this morning I pranged my car again on a garden chair I had moved so as not to hit it with the car.. Lol..I just have to laugh at times like this.. I was containing the panic I felt over ever decreasing funds, cut contact from Scott and the broken oven which it does not seem possible to repair as the brand I bought has no repairers in my home town.. It was as if the world was ending but I just have to remember these are all fixable problems and the worst thing would be to get down about it all.. So I let myself feel that feeling of being sucked into a black hole and just witnessed it.. I also cuddled Jasper who will draw close to me at such painful moments to give me healing and cried telling him how much I love him.

What went down between Scott and I on Tuesday was horrible and he has not been in touch since.. I accused him of basically not caring and have been ropable over the money issue.. Despite this I am sleeping and I seem to be in a good sleep rhythm now (waking just after sunrise) which got broken during that long time of depressive breakdown and the resulting head injury that happened after Jonathan (my ex husband) left me in 2004. I am beginning to realize it is not good turning the critic out on others, they then feel attacked but I felt myself being attacked in being accused of only caring about money which is why I expressed how I felt and tried to defend myself but even that was turned against me. I am angry as I need my money to live and I gave and trusted.. that said there are no assurances in life and it all came with a risk. I look back now to where I should have held my boundary but I was scared about Scott going to Iraq and my value system could not let that happen without even trying to help.. Its still possible I am being played, I just do not know all I DO KNOW IS THAT I MUST STAND TALL AND NOT COLLAPSE EVEN IF I ALLOW THAT SPIRAL DOWN INTO NEGATIVE THINKING AND HELPLESSNESS TO TAKE HOLD I HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF NONE OF THIS IS LIFE THREATENING AS LONG AS MY CANCER DOES NOT TAKE HOLD AGAIN.

I really self soothed this morning telling myself everything is really okay and no matter what else happens I have survived worse than this but I have never had to stare so much financial insecurity in the face but its what a lot of the world goes through.. I just have to be strong and keep moving forward but not by continuing to act and re-act out of triggers.. that is getting me nowhere and blowing off at the mouth is not getting me any where either.. I just keep trying to stay as close as I can to silence and spent some of my morning just walking and grounding and connecting to trees in my favorite play park near my Nana’s old house.. This place always brings me comfort and that outing really lifted my mood, gave me a burst of energy and shifted my perspective..

The angels told me in mediation today to look for my joy in the simple things and that I only have to be loving and love myself but being loving often means saying NO TO REQUESTS FROM PEOPLE PREYING ON AND USING MY ENERGY… Today I had real bursts of anger about how I have allowed myself to be emptied out again in this way by someone not taking responsibility for their life or using me but this is pretty much text book of how it is for empaths in this world before we wise up to the way our energies operate and how vulnerable we can be due to that quality.