Having conflict with others is never easy.. There are some of us who learned a long time ago to run or be fearful of any disagreement, anger or conflict.. Maybe we experienced bad things going down growing up or the fact that emotional or physical cut offs happened the moment there was anger or a difference of opinion. In my home, growing up, as I have shared before, Mum would just give Dad the silent treatment if she was angry or there was conflict She would ignore him for a couple of days and ask us to pass messages or threaten to leave… Later in life she regretting this kind of behavior but obviously as an unmothered and unfathered child she never got to develop the skills to handle upsets in a different way and to honest with his Libra moon I just think my Dad sought refuge when her storms blew up thinking the best solution was to ignore it and laugh it all off, which made her feel even more frustrated.
I used to get incredibly anxious when ever I had conflict with anyone.. In my last relationship my partner used the silent treatment/walk out for days with no communication method to deal with upset or conflict or me not acting the ‘right’ (according to him) way and that would trigger my abandonment anxiety every single time. Often I felt like dying and was ready to sacrifice parts of myself just to win back his love or approval, but what I have learned since then is that whenever I did that I actually ended up abandoning myself over and over and over again and in the end I ended up losing a lot of myself and self respect.
I am experiencing a similar thing with Scott at the moment.. When I think of all I have given to stay connected I actually cry for the little kid in me who was so desperate to be connected. My therapist and I often wonder why I chose and kept choosing someone so far away and unavailable.. We cannot get the outside help from any other quarter to bring him home and I am sick of emptying myself out. At this point I am probably on the brink of losing him anyway but I asked for what I needed and have set a boundary on how I wish to be treated.. If he chooses to see me as someone who only cares about money, that is on him…
I had another conflict come up yesterday because on Sunday after visiting my sister and taking her home from the hospital to pick up some warm clothes I briefly wrote and posted a poem about ‘wallowing’ in grief.. This is not something I would normally write but it was prompted by reading the blogs of someone who seemed to be very attracted to that dark sticky energy of unresolved grief.. I took the poem down pretty much immediately after posting it, as it felt a bit harsh… as I know we all take as long as we take to grieve and it is not anyone’s right to really even comment on another’s process without at least trying to be supportive. What had made me feel sad and triggered it though was not only his writing but the visit to my sister as well as his belief that he was a reject and his lack of belief in an afterlife, which I know for myself has brought me such comfort since my sister Judith died, especially as right after that happening I was blessed to be guided to the book on CD of Anita Moorjani’s near death experience of dying and coming back to life.. I said in the poem I felt sad for someone living in a Godless Universe.. See I just believe so strongly in God, the afterlife and angels that poem just flowed out of me as a kind of protest at the dark side of myself that stayed for so many years almost totally incapacitated by unresolved grief.. But thinking about it over night the world can seem cold, rejecting and Godless when love and support from others as we undergo the dark night experience of grief or loss is thin on the ground or totally absent, most particularly when we are told we may be wallowing in self pity when really we just loved so deeply it is hard to ever fully surrender the feelings of loss.. That said our loved one, after passing is often free, they have passed over, the sadness we really feel beside love for them, is it not simply for ourselves too?
Maybe now I have grieved certain losses the grief is more ‘resolved’ for me, while aspects of it remain.. For instance when I see a little girl hand in hand with her father or Grandfather, that does bring me to tears. So some grief does remain, will always remain. And maybe this is an issue I have been confused about til now having been told so many times by others I was making too much of grief or not moving on quickly enough.
I am glad I took the poem down but it hurt the person and they posted a blog about it yesterday or the day before.. that made my heart clench..accusing me of being ‘sanctimonious’ I try to be kind on my blog and as compassionate as I can be.. But sometimes I do fail.. Sometimes I just get fed up with grief and grieving… as I long for happiness and joy and the experience of being fully alive to embrace the day… Never the less I learned a lesson from this conflict.. There are times I need to keep my mouth shut and my fingers still from writing. but being human sometimes I will judge and that judgement will rebound on me.. for as it says in our Al Anon reader. when ever I point a finger at anyone else there are always three fingers on that hand pointing back to me.
Thinking it all over today and having a bit of a cry about it all the concept of self compassion and compassion popped into my head again.. for it seems the most we can hope for in this world it to be as kind as we can.. while also realizing that realistically at times we cannot always be the good guy and may sometimes judge.. As my friend Alex so often says to me, sometimes we just end up becoming the villain in someone else’s story.
Emerging From The Dark Night 