It seems to me if we suffered emotional neglect in childhood we become more vulnerable to feelings of loneliness and emptiness.. The place within we may have felt safer if connected to by a loving parents remains a void until later in life we learn how to fill it up in healthy ways, by a loving relationship with ourselves..If we are left with so much emotional hunger, not even knowing that is what it is about.. it can take us a lot of time to get a handle on the shape and texture of that wound and to realize it really is up to us to be our own best friend first and find healthy ways to fill the loneliness or emptiness
When I go over how I continued to get drawn in by Scott and then to get to a safe space in January where i finally had resources I should have kept quietly to myself I see why and how I became vulnerable and it seems to me this week that my brother not helping may actually have been a good thing.. to have given this much to someone else to the point I have left myself so vulnerable and impoverished and then to be attacked for not keeping emptying myself out seems a bad sign of unhealthy co-dependence from where I am standing today. And I hate to say this but I see it as really selfish on his part.
Anyway mistakes happen.. We all make them. Some of us continue to make them and it may take a lot of hard hits to finally wake up.. I do talk to the angels about this issue and Archangel Michael keeps reminding me that Scott’s choices are his responsibility… and today what really made me angry was the way he tried to play on guilt on my side to make me feel bad in a situation where I have already given enough, but in retrospect, too much from a needy place.
I cannot keep under-valuing myself in this way any more.. I seem to keep letting people open my boundary doors and come in and stomp all over the place only then to get angry when their will is thwarted and leave, leaving me a huge mess inside myself to clean up. .. I keep thinking of the concept of self will run riot along with the Sun Venus Mars Uranus aspect in his chart.. Pluto is hitting this hard by transit right now… he has to face the situation and suck it up. I am over taking it on ….I will not continue to be made guilty for something I never caused. I just wish I had had a strong self esteem and boundaries to say NO well before this. I really do regret helping him this last time and I don’ care if people think that seems mean.. it is how I really truly feel right now. My anger showed me it today.. Maybe this was the final lesson in boundaries I needed….
Emerging From The Dark Night 